Crash
by fluorescent-adolescent13
Summary: Erin barely acknowledged the paramedic that was fussing around her as they started to move. Her gaze was fixed firmly on the roof of the ambulance. All she could think about was Jay. (What if Erin had gotten into a car accident after the Season 3 Finale) LINSTEAD.
1. Chapter 1

Rain was pounding down on the windscreen. It was the very first thing that Erin had noticed when she finally opened her eyes. She couldn't even remember closing them at all. Her eyelids were the heaviest that she had ever felt them. There was a voice in the back of her pounding head that told her that it would be better to go back to sleep, but the brunette forced herself to ignore it and stay awake. She tried to concentrate on the sheet of water that was covering the glass in front of her. It was almost soothing. She wasn't entirely sure what had happened. Her thoughts couldn't settle long enough for her to realise where she was but from the moment that she had regained consciousness, a feeling set deep within her told her that something terrible had happened. The taste of blood in her mouth alone was enough to make her stomach turn. Her head was spinning and her ears were ringing but all she could focus on was the rain.

It didn't take long for it all to come back to her. A wave of memories swept through her head in one quick motion. The majority of it was hazy. She could remember talking to Jay on her cell phone and the car behind her beeping. She could remember racing to find Voight. She could remember trying to talk him out of doing what he was doing. She had tried to talk him out of getting revenge - out of murdering the man that killed Justin.

 _Justin_.

Erin couldn't think about him. It was too painful.

She could remember it raining there too - back where she had given up on Voight and gotten back into her car. The mud had squelched beneath her feet. The look that he had given the brunette was burned into her mind. It was enough for her to realise that there was no getting through to him. The thing that had shocked her more than anything was the way that he had spoken to her. Erin couldn't remember much more than that.

The sound of a car alarm to her left penetrated her thoughts and brought her back to reality. She had barely heard it before. It was strange. It was as though it hadn't even been there before - as if she were the only person in the whole world. The blue lights at the top of her windscreen were flashing again. They caught her attention next. They must have switched on by accident in the crash.

The crash. She had crashed the car. Or rather, someone had crashed into her. Erin couldn't remember.

She was bleeding somewhere. Her head. Blood was dripping over her eye and down her cheek. It was on her lips. She couldn't get the metallic taste off of her tongue. Erin pushed away the airbag that was pressed up against her chest with her right hand, carefully trying to avoid the wet patches of red that were covering the once white surface. Not that having a little blood on her hands would have made any difference given her current state. She had never liked the sight of her own blood. Other people's blood she could handle, but never her own. Her stomach flipped at the sight of it.

The door had crumpled inwards, cramming itself against her hip, but she couldn't feel anything at all. She assumed that the metal was pinning down her legs too. They had gone numb. She couldn't feel them at all. The brunette tried not to panic as she realised that she was trapped. Help would come. She took a deep breath and scanned the interior of the car for her cell phone but she couldn't find it.

The pain in her head was growing more intense with every passing moment but the dizziness had faded almost completely. Erin was grateful for that much. She attempted to feel her forehead for a cut with her left hand but regretted the movement immediately. She hadn't felt it before. Her shoulder was agonising. "Fuck." She could barely move her arm more than a few inches in any direction without pain shooting up to her shoulder. It wasn't easy to see underneath her jacket but Erin was sure that it was dislocated. She could practically feel it hanging out of it's socket.

"Can you hear me?" a voice called suddenly. "Are you okay?"

Erin turned her head sharply, grimacing slightly as she searched for the source of the noise, and let out a deep breath that she didn't even realise she was holding in. It hurt every single time she moved. It didn't matter if it was the tiniest of movements. It was torture. She could only make out a dark figure at the other side of the window, but she couldn't see much more than that. It was a man. She could tell that much from his voice. The stranger tugged on the handle of the door a few times, yanking so hard on his last attempt that Erin thought he was going to pull it off altogether, but it didn't open. It didn't even move.

"I'm here," Erin tried to shout back. "I'm okay. I'm here."

He let go off it suddenly. At least he had heard her. He cupped his hands against the blacked out window and attempted to gaze in. Before she could say anything else, the stranger jogged round to the front of the car and then the passenger's side. The door opened with ease. Erin could see his face clearly now. At a push he could have been a few years younger than her but he looked more like early-twenties. His dark hair was plastered to his forehead, wet from the rain outside that he had been stuck in, and his eyes were wide. His nose looked broken. A mixture of water and blood was dribbling down his chin but he seemed not to notice. There was a dark circle growing under his eye that would no doubt transform into a black eye by the end of the night. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I am so sorry," he cried and slid into the passenger's seat, closing the door behind him so that, unlike him, the inside of the car wouldn't get soaked. He continued rambling when Erin didn't reply. "It was an accident. I swear. I didn't mean...I mean, I don't even know what happened back there. I am so sorry. I've already called 911. They should be here soon."

Erin paused for a second. She wanted to be angry at him. She wanted to hate him and tell him that he was an asshole that could have gotten them both killed but all she could think about was the pain that she was feeling in her body. He wasn't even drunk. At least, she couldn't smell anything off of him. She wasn't sure what it was about him but she just couldn't be mad. He was hurt to. The brunette had to take steady breaths through her gritted teeth to stop herself from crying out.

"It's okay," she replied breathily, spreading a tight smile across her lips in a pathetic attempt to reassure the younger man.

"It is definitely not okay. I took my eyes off of the road for like a split second, and then the rain...I am so sorry. You're bleeding pretty badly. It's my fault." He pulled his hoodie off quickly, unzipping it quickly with his shaking hands, and turned it inside out before messily bundling it up and softly pressing it against the cut that was above her eyebrow. He cringed as she suddenly hissed, wincing at the feeling of the wet fabric against her injury. He returned her smile apologetically. "Sorry."

"It's fine, don't worry about it," Erin said, encouraging him to put more pressure on her head with her uninjured hand. She took a few short breaths, trying to ease the pain and not panic him, but with each inhale it felt as though her seatbelt was constricting her more and more. She turned her attention back to him. "Are you okay?"

"I think my nose is broken but that's nothing. I played hockey as a kid. You name a bone, I've probably broken it," he joked, pulling away the material to inspect the wound. "The ambulance should be here by now."

"I played a little rough as a kid too," Erin replied. He smiled again though his eyes were still wide. "Can you see if you can unclip my seatbelt?"

"Yeah," he nodded and moved closer to her but he couldn't get it to come loose. "I think it's jammed."

"Great," Erin sighed and closed her eyes. The same feeling was coming over her as before. All she wanted to do was go to sleep and get away from this mess. Everything would be better if she went to sleep. There would be no more anxious kid sitting next to her. There would be no more pain.

"You have to stay awake. No walking towards the friendly white light," he chuckled nervously, shaking her arm gently and forcing her to look back to him again. "Don't fall asleep. That was the one thing they always taught us if we hit our heads. Help will be here soon. I'm sorry about all of this."

Erin blinked a few times in an attempt to focus her eyes again. She replied, "you have to stop apologising so much." He shrugged his shoulders a little. "Just talk to me about something."

It wasn't just for her sake. Talking would calm them both down. Hopefully. "About what?"

"Anything at all," she said, shrugging ever so slightly with her good shoulder. "What's your name?"

"Justin."

In that moment, Erin could have sworn that her heart stopped beating altogether. She had to look away from him. The brunette looked away from him as quickly as she could, pushing the pain away, and made herself stare out of the window. There were even more lights flashing now. A lot of people must have stopped at the scene. They would be standing on the sidewalk waiting for gore to tell their friends about, or at least to feel better about themselves for staying - as though them being there made any difference at all. It didn't make her feel better. Thinking about Justin wasn't going to make her feel better either.

"What's wrong?" Justin asked, panic rising in his voice.

"Nothing. It's okay." She wasn't going to tell him what was going on in her head. She wasn't going to tell him about Justin. Her Justin. Especially not a stranger that was already freaking out enough. "My name is Erin. I need you to do me a favour, Justin. If you can."

He nodded his head rapidly. "Anything."

Erin wanted to call Voight. He needed to know what had happened. Maybe if he answered he wouldn't go through with it. "I think my phone has fallen down by my feet. Can you reach down and get it for me?"

Justin nodded his head again, accidentally spraying her slightly with water from his hair, and pulled the brunette's hand up to where his other one was, forcing her to keep pressure on the wound. He reached over the handbrake and began searching the floor for any trace of a cell phone - steadying himself on the steering wheel. Erin gazed down to him patiently, waiting for any sign of success.

"Got it," he said after a minute or so. "It was right under your seat."

"Thank you," she whispered. He placed his hand back carefully over hers and handed her the cell phone. The screen had a long crack along the bottom but there wasn't any major damage. She could deal with a little break. It still worked and that was all that mattered. Erin unlocked the phone carefully, making sure that she didn't drop it, and searching for Voight in her contact list. Her hands were trembling now more than they had before. She brought the phone to her ear, listening intently as it began to ring. "Come on Hank. Pick up?"

"Boyfriend?" he asked quietly but Erin made a face at him. "Sorry."

He wasn't picking up. Erin tried to change the subject, praying that she would hear the older man's voice soon. "Justin, can you check and see what's pinning my legs down. They're numb. I can't move them at all."

Justin frowned slightly, confused at what she was asking him to do. There was nothing touching her legs at all. At least, there hadn't been anything there when he was looking for her phone. "What do you mean?"

"There's something pinning me down," the brunette repeated. She was growing more and more frustrated by the second. Why did Hank have to be so stubborn. Why wouldn't he just listen to her. It had been a hard day for them all. Erin didn't want to think about what he was probably doing at that very minute.

He pretended to look for her sake. "There's nothing there, Erin."

Voicemail. She hung up quickly, dropping her phone onto her lap. Had she heard him right?

"There has to be something there," Erin shook her head. "I can't feel my legs."

Justin paused. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to her now. He had never been the comforting type. She was hurt and it was all his fault. "I think I can hear an ambulance. I'll go wave them down."

* * *

The sound of crunching metal seared through her head. The noise always made her cringe. She barely acknowledged the shower of rain that began to hit against her body and her face. It was freezing but all she could think about was the fact that she couldn't feel anything at all below her waist. She felt sick. The possibilities were racing through her mind but her gaze was immediately drawn to the fluorescent yellow strips on the uniforms beside her. Firefighters.

"Erin?" A flash of blonde entered her line of sight. "Shit."

Erin exhaled sharply as she began checking her vitals. "Brett?"

"Everything is going to be okay. We're going to take good care of you, Lindsay. I'll give you something for the pain." The paramedic slid a collar around her next before leaning back and reaching into her bag. She brought out a small flashlight, shining it in Erin's eyes momentarily and ordering her to follow it. The brunette frowned slightly at the brightness. "Good. Do you know what happened?"

"Car crash," she replied. "I think someone crashed into my car. Justin. He went to flag you down. I can't remember exactly what happened."

"Did you pass out?"

"I think so. One minute I was driving and the next I'm waking up and my ears are ringing."

"I'm going to give you some Entonox for the pain," Brett gave her a thin smile. "Gas and air."

"No." Erin pushed it away. Nitrous oxide was a no go. Not after everything that had happened with _that_ case. "I can't use that."

"Okay," Sylvie nodded. "I can give you something else." Erin closed her eyes again as the she administered the pain medication. "I need you to stay awake for me, Lindsay. Can you do that for me?"

She forced her eyes open again and looked past Brett. There were firefighters hovering near her car but she couldn't see any of their faces. They were probably just as surprised as Sylvie had been to see her. Erin hoped that Gabby was amongst them. She hadn't even thought to call Jay. He would be freaking out that she hadn't been in contact. Erin wasn't sure how he would react to this. If Gabby was there then she would let Antonio know. Or Casey would. Or Severide. Erin was praying that someone would pass the news on. She sure as hell wouldn't be able to hold it together on the phone to Jay.

"Okay," the brunette replied. It was all she could get out. There was a growing lump in her throat and the tears were threatening to fall. She was closer to crying than she was to getting out of the car. She didn't want to cry. She had been doing enough of that tonight. She had to pull it together.

"That's a pretty nasty laceration you've got there," Brett said. She glanced down to the hoodie that Erin had discarded. She pulled out a small plastic bag out of her bag and opened it, pressing the large wad of gauze that was inside of it against the brunette's head. The blonde pressed Erin's own hand over it just as Justin had done a few minutes before. "Can you hold that in place for me? Does anything feel broken?"

"I think that my shoulder is dislocated but I can't tell." Erin could feel the drugs starting to kick in.

"I hope that wasn't your favourite jacket," Sylvie said, reaching into her bag again. "I'm not going to be able to get it off normally without moving you so I'll have to cut it."

"I never liked it anyway," Erin joked, forcing a small smile onto her face. Her face was dripping but she couldn't tell whether or not it was blood or rain anymore. She was glad that she wasn't able to see her reflection. She could only imagine what she must have looked like. The paramedic added another layer of gauze to the red clump that Erin was holding against her own head. The bleeding was slowing down but it hadn't quite stopped. She looked back to the windscreen as Sylvie worked. If her shoulder looked as bad as it felt then she definitely didn't want to be watching.

"It's definitely dislocated. You cops never do anything the easy way," she smirked. "They'll pop it back into place as soon as we get to the hospital."

"That doesn't sound like much fun."

"You've made it this far. A little dislocation is nothing."

"At least I'll have some cool scars to show from this. That'll be badass," Lindsay chuckled, trying to concentrate on something other than the pain.

"Trust me Lindsay, you don't need scars to make you badass," Brett replied. "Does it hurt anywhere else?"

"Just cuts and bruises" she answered quietly. "There's something wrong with my legs. I can't move my them." She couldn't believe that she had forgotten about it. As soon as they managed to get the door open, her thoughts had drifted completely. How could she have forgotten. "I thought they were trapped but I don't know what's happened."

Sylvie tapped her left leg from her ankle, past her shin, to her thigh, pausing after each hit to look at Erin. "Anything?" The brunette could tell that the paramedic was trying not to look worried for her sake. It was part of her job. Erin just wished that she would tell her what was really going on. She had to hear it. She didn't want to think that what was in her head could actually be true.

"No."

"Okay. It's going to be okay," Brett shook her head before turning around and calling. "Can I get a backboard?"

"I should be worried. It's really bad."

"Let's just focus on getting you out of here."

The next few minutes or so seemed to pass in a blur. It was as though Erin had blinked and suddenly she was lying flat on her back. She blinked again and she was being lifted away from her car and towards the open doors of a waiting ambulance. It was the first time since she had crashed that she was able to see the real damage to her car. It was a wreck. The brunette only saw it for a second or two but it was enough to make her wonder how she even got out of there alive. It was a shame. She couldn't help but at herself for thinking it, but she was going to miss that car.

"Brett," Erin called suddenly as she remembered her boyfriend. He would be freaking out. The blonde's head appeared over her own. "Can you let Jay know what happened. Please."

"He's already on his way to Med," the paramedic replied with a reassuring smile.

The blonde pulled an oxygen mask across her face. She couldn't feel her legs but she knew that they were strapped tightly against the stretcher. There was a strap across her chest too. Erin barely acknowledged the paramedic fussing around her as the ambulance started to move. Her gaze was fixed firmly on the ceiling. All she could think about was seeing Jay.

 **I've been playing about with the idea since the finale. I know it doesn't really match up with the Chicago Fire timeline and I know that my medical knowledge is pretty limited but I think tried my best. Please review and let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

Erin was usually the calm one out of them both. Jay's cool-headedness had faded since his time in the army. He had learned to count on his partner to radiate composure in difficult situations. It never mattered what chaos was playing out in her head when something went wrong. The brunette would try as hard as she could not to let it show. Jay, on the other hand, had let himself become anxious and impatient quickly since joining the unit. He was glad that he had Erin to defuse whatever bomb was threatening to go off in his mind.

It was situations like this that Jay needed her most. He could have used her now more than ever before. His mind had been going in overdrive ever since Erin had hung up on him. Everything had gone quiet on the other end of the line and he could have sworn that in that moment, his world stopped entirely. He had half expected to get another phone call. He had expected the bad news but it didn't make him feel any better when it had actually happened. For all he knew his partner was lying half dead on some gurney feeling alone and terrified.

Hospitals never usually bothered him. Cases brought him there countless times every week and it was the quickest way to catch his brother these days. Even when he had been a kid, his parents had dragged him and Will there whenever they had taken a fall or played just a little too rough. His father had always played it off. Boys will be boys. Jay would always remember the look of worry that etched itself onto his mother's face when they had to take a trip to the emergency room. He had always thought that she was overreacting. He had never really understood how she must have felt, or what thoughts must have been racing through her mind at a thousand miles per hour, until now.

The first thing that his eyes latched onto was the sight of her black boots. Jay could see them poking out past that crowd of doctors and nurses that were working on her. He would recognise them anywhere. Her jacket was in the corner. It was torn and covered in dark red liquid. Her beanie had been thrown on top of it. Discarded, without a single thought. He could have been sick just at the sight of her clothes. It was as though his legs had turned into jelly. He had to force himself to move them.

Jay stopped at the bottom of her bed. He had long forgotten that his team had followed closely behind him. They were keeping their distance.

He had imagined carnage. Images of metal slicing through skin had poured into his mind. All he could think about from the very minute that he had gotten the call were all of the wires and tube and gore that was going to meet his eyes as soon as he found his partner. Nothing about the situation was pleasant but Jay couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief as he saw her. It didn't matter that there was an oxygen mask secured over her mouth or that there was dried blood covering her face. She almost looked peaceful. He took another deep breath as he scanned his girlfriend's body. There was a white brace supporting her neck. His mind couldn't help but immediately race through the possibilities. Jay had seen enough tv shows and accidents in real life to know what a brace meant. Erin couldn't have had a spinal injury. She just couldn't. He took another deep breath. It could just be a precaution. They had to put one on her. It was protocol. It could be nothing. She could be fine.

"Erin," he called suddenly. His voice came out in more of a strangled whisper than he had expected. The lump in his throat was growing bigger with every second that passed him by.

"Sir, you need to move back," a nurse said, walking over to him. She placed a hand on his upper arm. He could tell that she was trying to be comforting but it wasn't working.

Jay took a few steps back. His eyes never left his partner. They were latched tightly to her. One of the doctors moved away from Erin and Jay's head shot up. It was his brother. The feeling of relief returned to him. If there was anyone that he wanted, and trusted, to treat Erin it was his brother.

He cleared his throat and moved back to stand at the bottom of her bed just as he had before. "Will?"

"We've got it Jay," his brother replied, glancing up at Jay. He shone a torch over Erin's eyes. "Just don't get in the way. Pupils are responsive."

Another one of the nurses said something else in response. Jay wasn't sure what it all meant. He had never understood the medical gibberish and the terms that they threw around in the ER. His brother said something else. Jay wished that he had someone to translate it for him. He just wanted to know what was really happening.

Her eyes opened suddenly and she wheezed. "Jay." She couldn't see him herself but she had heard Will say his name. The sound of her own made Jay's heart sink even further. She sounded like a little kid. It was the first time in a long time that he had heard her sound so scared.

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." His gaze fell to her shoulder as it came into sight. He hadn't even noticed before. He hadn't noticed how unnaturally it was positioned. It looked as though it had been forced out of place completely. Jay wasn't sure why she wasn't screaming in pain.

"Nice of you to join us, Erin." Will gave her a small smile and her eyes darted to look at his face. She was confused. At first she wasn't entirely sure where she was or what had happened, but the sight of the doctors and nurses around her brought it all back. "We're going to take good care of you. Don't worry. We have to take you up to CT."

Jay wanted to be beside her. He wanted to push the damn nurse out of his way and hold Erin's hand. He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay even if he didn't know if they were. He just felt so helpless. It was like his feet were glued to their spot on the ground and all of the words that he wanted to say got stuck instantly in his throat. Jay knew that the doctors were doing their job. He knew that he had to stand by and let them save her. If he could have traded places with her, he would have without a second thought.

Connor spoke suddenly and Jay's head turned sharply towards the other doctor. He had pulled Erin's shirt up slightly and was pressing his hands gently against her stomach. There was a frown on his face. "No, we're not. Her abdomen is rigid and swollen."

"Spleen?"

"Her pressure is dropping. Fast." Will shook his head. "Crap."

"What's happening?" Jay half-shouted, frantically trying to get his brother's attention. Erin's face had paled considerably in the few seconds since he had looked at her last. It contrasted the blood that was on her face dramatically. Her eyes had closed again.

"Rupture?" Will said, ignoring Jay's words, and waited for Connor's nod. "We don't have enough time to get her to CT."

"Page OR 3 and tell them that we're on our way up," Connor said quickly one of the nurses that was beside him. "She's not breathing."

For the first time since he had come to the hospital, Jay had to tear his eyes away from Erin. Guilt seeped through his body as he looked down to the floor. He squeezed his fists tightly against his thighs, attempting to ignore the words that the doctors around him were saying. It was intimidating. He just couldn't force himself to watch a tube being fed down her throat. Even if it was a tube that was saving her life.

They rolled her bed out quickly. He moved out of the way swiftly, watching as the lasts glimpses of her brunette hair disappeared through a set of double doors.

"Jay," his brother said. He hadn't even noticed that Will hadn't gone with them. "They're going to do everything that they can."

"Is she going to be okay?" he asked, making himself look up to the ceiling and force back the tears that were threatening to form in his eyes. "What just happened? She was talking a second ago."

Will gave him a tight smile. "Her blood pressure dropped significantly and we had to intubate. We think that her spleen may have ruptured. The surgery will hopefully control the internal bleeding. Erin also may have a spinal injury but we won't know much until we can take her up to CT and take some scans. Her left shoulder is dislocated and she's going to need stitches in her head but that is the least of her worries for now."

Jay took a deep breath. "I need you to tell me that everything is going to be fine."

"We're going to do everything that we can for her."

He watched as his brother walked away, following the same path that Erin had moments previously. Jay took a few steps towards his team. He tried to compose himself as he looked to his friends. None of them said anything.

"Where is Voight?" Jay said. He had to stay strong for Erin's sake. "He should be here by now."

"He won't pick up," Ruzek shrugged and shook his head. "I don't know what his deal is tonight."

Jay let out a deep breath. He knew that whatever his boss had being doing that night, it wasn't kosher. Erin had known it too. That was why she had reacted the way that she had on the phone. Jay just couldn't figure out why. He knew that Voight would never forgive himself if Erin had crashed her car while she was on her way to stop him. Especially not after the day that he had. Losing another kid would destroy him but it wasn't going to come to that. Jay wouldn't be able to cope if he lost her.

He couldn't help but be a little pissed that Voight hadn't even made the effort to let the team know what was going on. He had sent them on a wild goose chase. Jay hated it when the older man left them in the dark. He had been in the unit for long enough that he had come to expect it, but Jay could never quite get used to it when it actually happened.

"I'll head back to the district and see if he's there," Jay said suddenly, leaning against the nurse's station. He rubbed his face with both hands. He wanted to be the one that faced Voight. "Just call me if there's any news and I'm not back. Please. I'll be as quick as I can."

Antonio frowned. "No. I'll go, man. You should stay here."

"It's fine. I want to do it," Jay shook his head. Antion placed a heavy hand on his shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. Olinsky gave him a light pat on the back as he started to walk away. "I have to clear my head."

The drive wasn't easy. He hadn't imagined that he would be but he couldn't get the image of Erin lying in that emergency room out of his head. Jay had lied when he said that he needed to clear his head, he had just been making excuses, but now it was proving to be true. He didn't think that a drive would be this hard. All that he could think about was how Erin must have felt in her car. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Her hands would have been doing the same. She would have been staring at a road just like the one he was looking at now. The only difference between them was that Jay wasn't fighting for his life. Both of their lives had been turned upside down.

Jay was kicking himself for not being with his partner. If he had been with her then things might have gone down differently. Maybe they wouldn't be in the position that they were in now. Jay didn't know what to think.

He could see Voight as soon as he turned the corner in front of the station. The older man closed the door of his car and started to jog across the road and inside the district. He didn't notice Jay pulling up at all. It was weird. Jay couldn't help but wish that he was as blissfully unaware of what had happened as his boss was. He almost didn't want to break the news to him at all but he knew that it had to be done. He had to find out at some point.

Jay parked closely behind Voight's car. The rain was still hammering down. He left his jacket in the back seat as he got out but he didn't care. Getting wet was the least of his worries. He was sure that had left a trail of water behind him on the floor as he walked into the district but he kept moving and didn't check. He had to find Voight. Nothing else mattered.

"Halstead," a voice called to his left. Jay tried to ignore it and keep walking up the stairs to the bullpen but it shouted towards him again. "Don't even try and walk away from me, Halstead."

Jay spun on his heels, turning sharply towards the source of the noise. The frown that had engraved itself onto his forehead softened immediately. It was Platt. There were very few times in his career that Jay had seen Platt show genuine emotion and every time that she did, it hit him like a ton of bricks. It was unusual and uncomfortable. He walked back down the couple of stairs that he had climbed already and back towards the worried woman that was waiting for him behind the front desk.

"Sorry." He barely looked up at her, keeping his gaze fixed firmly on the wooden desk. "My head is somewhere else, Serg."

"I heard that there was an accident," Platt asked, licking her lips anxiously. "Is it Erin? Is she okay?"

She was as clueless as Voight was. Jay let out a deep sigh. "She's in the hospital right now. They were going to take her for some tests but it wasn't looking so good when I left. They had to take her into surgery pretty quickly." He hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be to get those words out.

Platt nodded slowly at what he had said, taking in the information and attempting to compose herself. Jay knew that she had a soft spot for Erin. She was trying not to show it but he knew that she was truly heartbroken. Her expression changed quickly and she furrowed her brows. "Then why the hell are you not there right now?"

"I had to come back and get Voight. He wasn't answering his cell phone. Did he go upstairs?"

"Voight doesn't know," Platt said quietly as the realisation hit her. "He's up there. He stormed past just like you did. Wouldn't even look in my direction."

"I'll keep you updated," Jay replied, turning back to the stairs. He scanned his palm in quickly and opened the gate.

"Jay?" Platt called just as he let go of it.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

He gave her a tight smile before turning away for the final time.

* * *

The bullpen was quiet. It always made him uneasy. There was something about the empty desks that always made Jay feel tense - especially now more than ever, knowing what had happened. Voight had both of his hands on the counter in the kitchen. He was leaning over with his head low, every breath shuddering through his body. Jay coughed loudly, attempting to attract the older man's attention. Voight looked up immediately and pushed himself upwards to stand up straight.

"Halstead," he said.

Jay tried to collect himself as he looked at his boss. He couldn't help but be angry. He could feel it flowing through his veins and radiating throughout his body. "Have you checked your cell phone?"

Voight tilted his head slightly, confused at the younger man's words and demeanor. He walked out the kitchen and towards Jay. "No."

"Why the hell not?"

"You need to drop whatever's gotten you all riled up, Halstead," Voight shook his head. "Before you say or do something you'll regret."

The lump that had been in his throat back at the hospital was slowly growing again. Jay swallowed painfully. " _Sir_. What happened tonight?"

"That's none of your business."

"It's my business when you lead my team into a raid for absolutely no reason."

" _Your_ team," Voight scoffed. "Last time that I checked, you work for me. Where is everyone?"

Jay paused. "They are at the hospital. Did I forget to mention that Erin was in a car wreck?"

"What?" Voight's face fell.

"While she was on her way to find you," Jay shook his head. "Whatever you were doing."

"Is she okay?"

"She's alive."

Voight wasn't sure how to reply to him. The younger cop didn't know that Erin had tried to stop him. He didn't know that Voight had sent her away. If he hadn't done that then she would have never gotten into an accident. It was all his fault. "You need to get back to the hospital now."

Jay frowned. "What about you?"

"Get back to the hospital. Now."

"You're not staying here," Jay replied in disbelief. "Erin needs you to be there."

Voight leaned against Erin's desk. He thought through his words carefully before opening his mouth to speak again. "I've already lost one kid in that place today. I'm sure as hell not going to turn up only to lose another one."

"You can't just pretend that this isn't happening."

"I've asked you to go twice," Voight stood up, turning towards his office without making eye contact with him. "I'm not going to ask you again."

Jay was speechless. This wasn't how he had expected it to go down at all. Erin was lying in some operating theatre, fighting for her life, and all that Voight could think about was his own selfish agenda. He was disgusted. He stared at the back of his boss' head as he walked into his office and closed the door behind him. If he had it his way, Jay would drag Voight out himself and force him to get in his car, but he knew that it wouldn't end well. It would be better than this though.

 _ **Guys. I am completely overwhelmed by the response that the first chapter of Crash received. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave a review. You're support and feedback means the word to me. I rushed to get another chapter written. I hope you like it.**_


	3. Chapter 3

His shirt was sticking to his body. The material was practically dripping but Jay barely noticed. He had gotten a dozen strange looks as he walked back into the hospital, and even from the nurses that he passed near the waiting room, but he had tried his best to ignore them. The rain was making no effort to stop and neither was Jay. The only thing that he had on his mind was Erin. She was his priority. He was still in disbelief that his own boss, the foster father of his partner, had chosen to stay at the district while Erin was lying on an operating table fighting for her life.

He kept his head low as he walked towards his team, falling into his chair without saying a single word. He barely acknowledged them at all.

"Where's Voight?"

"He isn't coming," Jay replied bluntly. He had already been thinking about what he was going to say when Voight finally came to his senses. He had decided that he wasn't going to be easy on him. He didn't care about the fact it was his boss. He didn't even care if it cost him his job. "At least not right now."

Ruzek frowned. "What do you mean he's not coming."

Jay folded his arms tightly across his chest and shrugged. It was good to know that he wasn't the only one shocked over Voight's actions. "I told him about what had happened. I told him that Erin was taken for emergency surgery. He doesn't want to be here."

"Why wouldn't he want to be here?" Antonio asked confusedly.

He hesitated, unsure whether or not to share what their boss had told him. "He said that he didn't want to lose another kid. He couldn't come back here."

"He's having a hard time," Olinsky reasoned. "After Justin. It's understandable."

"Yeah, well, he isn't the only one that's having a hard time," Jay replied, shaking his head furiously. "He isn't the only one that lost Justin. If Voight was the one in hospital right now then Erin sure as hell would be by his side. You know that as well as I do." Alvin chose not to defend Voight any further, giving Jay a slight nod in surrender. The younger man would scrutinise Voight's actions until his face turned blue if he had to.

Silence surrounded the group again soon after. It wasn't until an hour or so later that it was finally disturbed.

"Jay," Will said, pulling off the scrub cap that had been tied to his head as he made his way towards them. The doctor had a tight smile on his face. He was fiddling with the material in his hands. Jay looked up immediately as the sound of his voice met his ears. "Detectives."

"Is she okay?" Jay asked quickly, pushing himself up off of the seat and facing his brother. The other men beside him stood up swiftly too and were listening intently. They gave him space. "Is everything okay?"

"The surgery went as well as could be expected," Will nodded reassuringly. "Erin's spleen ruptured while we were examining her and we had to remove it. It was a close call but she's going to be okay."

"Can we see her?"

"She's in post-op right now," the doctor shook his head. "She's still sedated and we have to take her for some scans. There wasn't enough time before when we had to rush her to the OR."

"Okay," Jay sighed. The disappointment was evident in the tone of his voice. He didn't even try and hide it.

"You should go home and get cleaned up," Will said. He had switched to brother-mode quickly. "Get some rest."

"I'm not going anywhere," Jay replied stubbornly, lowering himself back down onto the chair that he had been sitting on before. "I'm not leaving her."

"It'll be a while until you'll be able to see her," his brother attempted to persuade him but he knew that it would work. "There's time."

"I'm not going anywhere," he repeated. It was hard enough leaving to go to the district.

Will nodded and gave him another small smile. He knew that his brother would never cave. Not when it came to Erin. "I have a clean shirt in my locker. I'll bring it down to you when I get a minute."

"Thanks man," Jay replied. Will turned to walk away, accepting the thanks and pats on the back from the other cops that were standing by. The situation wasn't easy for any of them. When someone in the team was down it affected them all. It was like losing a limb. Jay opened his mouth, turning to his friends for the first time. "You guys should go home and get some rest. I'm here. You don't need to be. I'll call if there is any news and you can check back in the morning."

Ruzek sat down next to him and punched his shoulder lightly. "If you're here then we're all here. Or at least I am."

"Yeah," Antonio nodded in agreement. "It's late. You're on your own."

"No, seriously," Jay gave them a tight smile. "There's no use in us all waiting. Thoughts and prayers only go so far. They can't do much for her. Someone has to be here when she wakes up and that's my job."

Olinsky nodded. "He's right. Erin's in safe hands."

Jay didn't want to be around the rest of the guys. Their worry and concern would make him all the more anxious, and their sympathetic eyes would only irritate him. The only thing that he wanted was to be with Erin. They left soon after, giving promises of returning and comforting words on their way out. It didn't make Jay feel any better but he appreciated the fact that they were there for him. They were a family.

* * *

He knew that the wait for news wasn't going to be a walk in the park but Jay hadn't quite anticipated just how quickly he would lose his patience. The minutes were passing by him slower than he had thought possible but he persevered. He was sure that he had counted the tiles that were covering the waiting room's ceiling a hundred times, and he had flicked through the pages of countless tacky magazines that had been left on the table close by him until his fingers were sore. He had scrolled through numerous news articles on his phone but they had soon become uninteresting. He lost interest in games just as quickly. His battery was dying anyway. The only thing that Jay was worried about was that if he were left with his own thoughts, then his mind would be consumed by the images of Erin lying in the ER again.

The brace.

The blood.

He just needed to see her. He needed to know that he was okay. He needed to be able to touch her and hold her hand and tell her that it was going to be fine. Jay couldn't help but wish that there was someone there with him now. Not that he would have been able to hold any particularly riveting conversations or anything. He didn't want to make anyone stay but the company would have gone a long way.

He was lying back in his chair when Will turned the corner into the waiting room again. The crown of his head was resting against the wall behind him and his legs were stretched out on the floor in front of him. His gaze was fixed firmly on the tiles above him - counting him for the hundred and first time that night. Or morning. Jay wasn't sure what time it was. It had been at least a few hours since his brother had been there last. Jay had forced himself to stay awake in that time. His eyes were nipping but he didn't care. It was only when the doctor spoke to him that Jay even realised he was there.

"Hey man," he said, taking a seat next to Jay. "How are you holding up?"

Jay looked down immediately at the sound of his voice, sitting up straight and turning towards his younger brother. "What's happening?"

"There's good news and bad news," Will replied. Jay hated it when people said that. Dragging out a painful moment when they could just say it how it is. It's easier when you just rip the bandaid off. Life wasn't some tv show that you could just play around with. "She's doing good. The scans showed us that she doesn't have any brain damage but she does have a laceration on her forehead that we had to stitch up."

"What's the bad news, Will," Jay pressed impatiently.

His brother took a deep breath, bracing himself as he broke the news to him. He suddenly found the insides of his palms extremely interesting. "The scans also showed us that Erin has fractured a small bone in her lower back. There is a fragment of the bone that is pressing against her spinal cord."

Jay shook his head, opening his mouth quickly to interrupt the other man's stream of words. He didn't want to believe what he was hearing. He definitely didn't want to believe the conclusions that he was coming to in his own head. "Wait. What does that mean?"

"Well, we won't know much more until we bring her around. She's still sedated right now and she has a breathing tube inserted, but it won't be for much longer at all. An hour or two maybe. We'll examine her again and if there is any major nerve damage we'll have to consider taking her back into surgery as soon as possible."

"Surgery?" Jay replied. Erin had just gotten out of surgery and Will was telling him that she needed another. He was trying his best to take in all of the information that was being fed to him but it was starting to become too much for him to handle.

Spinal injury. Nerve damage. If Jay had learned anything, it was that it always meant one thing.

"We'll explore our options nearer the time, but that is the best in my opinion."

"She'll be able to walk again. Right?"

Will paused before he opened his mouth again. He was thinking his words through carefully. Breaking news had never come easily to him but it was a hell of a lot easier when it was to people that he didn't know at all. His brother was another story. Trying to save the life of his brother's girlfriend and partner, who he knew too, was a whole different ball game altogether. It was difficult facing distraught family members at the best of times but seeing them both in the position that they were in was breaking his heart. "I'm not going to lie to you Jay. Like I said before, we won't know much more for a little while but for now Erin is stable. What I can promise, is that we're going to do absolutely everything that we can for her."

"Okay," Jay nodded, exhaling deeply. Will placed a hand gently on top of his shoulder for a moment, squeezing it comfortingly, before standing up and taking a few steps away from the chairs. Jay stood up behind him. "Can I see her now?"

"I don't think that's the best idea. Not like this," Will shook his head with a small smirk. Jay furrowed his brows. "You look like shit, big brother. Go get changed and grab a cup of coffee. Splash some water on your face or something. Trust me."

"She's all by herself. I want to be there. I have to go and see her. It can wait."

"There are plenty of nurses looking after her. I'll be around too. She hasn't even woken up yet."

Will handed him the white t-shirt that he had been holding by his side and Jay took it gratefully, giving him a small nod of gratitude in exchange. The doctor turned away completely. Jay watched as the last glimpse of his scrubs disappeared. They hadn't always seen eye to eye but Jay appreciated everything that his brother did for him when it really mattered. Even if it was something as little as a change of shirt.

There was restroom at the end of the corridor. Jay had seen the signs earlier. He followed them until he finally reached it. The hospital was quiet at this time of night. It was creepy in a way. The silence of the men's room was almost overwhelming. It struck him as he opened the door. He walked slowly across to the long row of sinks that lined the wall to his left. His eyes glued themselves immediately to the metal faucet on the sink that he had chosen. It took him a few moments to be able to look at himself in the mirror.

Finally, he allowed his eyes to move up slowly until they rested on his reflection. He let out a sigh. He had been trying to hold himself together for hours but there was something about looking at himself that brought it all crashing back down again. The man that was staring back at him wasn't a man that he knew. It was a version of himself that he barely recognised. That was a lie. It was a version of himself that he had seen on rare occasions, but had always vowed never to see again. There were already dark circles forming underneath his eyes. Will was right when he had said he looked like shit. He was struggling to stay awake even while he was standing up straight. Jay was starting to think that the serious expression that he had adopted would soon become a permanent feature of his face. It wasn't him at all. None of this was him.

They had plans. Even if they had never really spoken about it, they had plans. Jay had plans for them both. He was going to ask Erin to move in with him as soon as he had found the perfect apartment. That was the only reason that he had been asking her opinion so much. They were always staying over at each other's places anyway. It just made sense. After that, he was going to drag her to Wisconsin. It would be quiet and perfect and just what they needed to get away from the Chicago streets. He had started to think about the type of dog that they would get. A rescue, definitely. He knew that Erin loved dogs. Hell, Jay had even started to think about baby names.

Erin would never admit it if she had thought about those things too, but Jay knew that she was just as ready to start taking the next steps as he was. It was the beginning of the rest of their lives. He knew that she might need the extra push but it would all be worth it in the end. He had plans.

The crash was not part of the plan.

He cupped his hands, placing them underneath the cold flowing water and slashing it quickly up to his face. This was just a bump in the road.

Jay took a final look at himself. He forced a tight and reassuring smile onto his face as he gripped onto the edges of the sink. His knuckles were turning white. It didn't matter how many times that Jay told himself that he had to be strong. It didn't matter how many times he repeated the words in his head over and over. Each inhale and exhale brought a new wave of thoughts and doubts and worries. He wouldn't let himself cry. He was tougher than that. The last thing that Erin needed was for her partner, her support system, to be in bits and pieces just when she needed him most.

He pushed himself away, standing up as straight as the soldier that he had once been and watched as the final drips of water circled the drain. The shirt that Will had given him was a little too small, but he wasn't going to complain. He was thankful for the change. His own was still a little damp from the trip that he had taken to the district. He was kicking himself for not slipping on the jacket that was in the car with him. It was right there in the back seat. He hadn't thought about getting a cold. The dry fabric was blessing.

There wasn't anyone else in the bathroom when he had walked in. Jay didn't bother going into a cubicle. It wasn't like anyone was going to see him. Not that he was particularly self conscious when it came to getting dressing in front of people. He peeled the material off quickly, grimacing slightly as the cold air hit his bare chest. He pulled the other shirt on. There were goosebumps lining his arms.

He knew that there was a cafeteria on the floor below. Jay had been there a million times. He had been there enough times to know how crappy the coffee was but it was better than nothing. He preferred drinking coffee when Erin was there to make it for him. It always seemed to taste better like that. He knew that he was kidding himself but it was a good excuse to always take coffee breaks together at work.

As he opened the door, the light noise of the hospital's hustle and bustle met his ears. Jay started to walk mindlessly. He had lost his appetite entirely and he didn't particularly want to be spending his money on the black sludge that the cafeteria offered, but he knew that he didn't want to be a complete zombie when they brought Erin around.

It was almost empty. There were a few tragic looking figures sitting alone at tables. Their red eyes illuminated the cafeteria. They weren't unlike Jay. He imagined that they were having just as hard a time as he was. Early mornings in hospitals were never usually happy. At least from Jay's experience they had never been. Especially not today.

The cashier handed him back his change and a warm cup. Steam was rising quickly out of the tiny holes that were on the lid. He brought it to his mouth, wincing slightly as the hot liquid burned the tongue and the roof of his mouth, and slid down the back of his throat. It was bitter but he welcomed the taste. Coffee was coffee.

A small part of him wanted to stay down there. He wanted to sit down and slouch over a table, joining the other depressed characters that were surrounding him. That part of him wanted him to feel sorry for himself and refuse to move anywhere. Just thinking about the sight that would welcome him when he finally went up to Erin's room was enough to make his feet stick to the ground. Jay wasn't sure whether or not he would be able to cope seeing her. Seeing her like that. It was bad enough when she had been brought in. He would never abandon her though. Never. They were partners. There wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to let her wake up alone. She didn't deserve that.

 _ **Thank you for the response again! It's extremely reassuring. I know that this chapter was a little repetitive and boring but the next will be better. I'm excited to see how you react to Erin finding out her diagnosis and what happens with Voight. Stick with me. Please review and let me know what you think.**_


	4. Chapter 4

The hospital room had as much personality within it as the corridors that lay outside of it, and the waiting room that was down the hall from it. The walls were as devoid of colour as Jay was of patience. He wasn't sure how the patients here could do it. He didn't know how they could possibly survive spending days in bed here surrounded by intravenous drips and pitying looks without letting themselves be driven insane. It was for that reason that Jay had decided to not leave her side from that point onwards. They were going to have to force him out. He had come to the conclusion that if he could distract Erin from the tests and the pain and the undertone of bleach that lingered around them, even just for a little while, it would make her time here more bearable. It would definitely put his mind at ease. She didn't deserve to be here.

Erin hadn't even woken up yet. He had only been there for a few hours but it had started to feel like he had been waiting forever. Jay had been led and left with promises of Erin's sedation wearing off and more news been fed his way, but in the time since the last nurse had been and gone absolutely nothing had happened. The beeping of the machines by their side was constant. If it had been any other day then it would have irritated him more than he would care to admit but he was grateful for it that morning. Each rhythmic beat that came from her heart monitor resonated throughout his head. It was the perfect reminder that she was still with him.

As soon as he had reached her side, he had lowered himself onto the hospital issued chair that was a little behind him and gently grasped her hand in his own. A brace was still secured tightly around her neck, supporting it. In the time that it had taken him to do so, he hadn't taken his eyes off of the brunette once. The grey cushion that was underneath him was just as uncomfortable as the one in the waiting room had been but Jay didn't care. He would have sat in that position for weeks if it would mean that everything would be fine again. He didn't want to think about what Will had told him earlier.

Erin's short hair surrounded her head like a halo. At least, that's what Jay imagined. He was trying to find anything good about the sight that was in front of him. His eyes had been running over her body again and again. He couldn't help it. There were a few scratches littered across her cheeks and her forehead, neighbouring the large cut that had been stitched up by the doctors. The blood that had been covering her face down in the emergency room was gone for the most part. One of the nurses must have cleaned her up before he came though there were still a few specks that were lining her hairline. If Jay ignored the blue tube that was protruding from her mouth then he could almost have imagined that Erin was just sleeping. It made a small part of him feel selfish for wanting to disturb her peace. After that thought had been and gone, all that he was left with was the tubes and the the tape that was securing it to her face.

His eyes had flicked down to her chest. Erin was wearing a dark sling. It was strapped closely against her and supporting the shoulder that had been dislocated in the crash. Jay could already tell how much that was going to annoy her when she was back on her feet.

If she got back on her feet.

Jay felt dumb for even thinking that. There was going to be a long road ahead of them both. The least of their worries was going to be a damn sling. It would probably be long gone before they even made any real progress. He shook the thought immediately. He had to think positively

The door opened suddenly and Jay's head shot around painfully. He winced slightly at the feeling. It was the first time since he had gotten there that his eyes had been forced away from the brunette. A nurse entered the room without a second thought, giving him a quick attempt at a reassuring smile in her stride. Jay was sure that she had given out a hundred of them before. It was the type of smile that said 'I'm sorry' and 'this must be so difficult for you', but simultaneously 'I will probably forget all about this encounter by dinner time because there are a dozen more patients that I have to see'. He appreciated it nevertheless.

"I thought that she was going to wake up by now," he said, pushing his voice to be louder than just the whisper that was forcing itself out. "You said that the sedation would wear off."

The nurse smiled again. She could sense the panic that was arising within him. "We're keeping a close eye on her."

Jay had a dozen more questions that he wanted to ask her in that moment but before he could say anything else, the door opened again and his brother walked through. His lips were pressed together tightly in a thin line as he made eye contact with the older man. Will moved towards the nurse, picking up Erin's chart as he walked and looked at the machined that were at the other side of the bed.

"Is something wrong?" Jay asked, his eyes darting down to his partner. "Why is she still like this?"

"It's still only been a few hours," Will replied.

Jay pressed. "How long is it supposed to take?" He didn't want to consider any other possibility. "She is going to wake up, right?"

"She is going to be okay. This is the least of Erin's worries. Once we've established that she can breathe on her own, we'll perform a neurological examination and determine the extent of the nerve damage. We're going to look after her." The doctor nodded reassuringly. "I have her scans here."

Jay stood quickly, moving to the other side of Erin and closer to his brother. Will hung up the scans. There was something strange about seeing an x-ray of his partner's spine in front of his very own eyes. It made him uncomfortable. "What does this all mean?" He crossed his arms tightly across his chest.

"If we take her to surgery, screws will be inserted above and below the pedicles of the vertebrae," Will indicated, pointing at two places along Erin's spinal cord.

Jay shook his head. "It's like it's all going to collapse."

"The instrumentation - the screws - will act as an internal cast."

"It's safe though, right?" he asked, glancing back to the brunette. "I mean, this type of thing is done all the time."

"There's always risks. Especially when you're working so closely with the spinal cord," Will nodded. "She's in good hands. We have an extremely experienced team. We'll have to get Erin's consent when she comes around, of course."

Jay scoffed. "Consent." Will knew not to take his older brother's tone to heart. He knew that he was stressed out more than anyone else was. "In case someone screws up. In case something goes wrong."

"When Erin wakes up we will explain everything to her. The are very few other options. Surgery is the best one out of them all." Will nodded. "She is no longer sedated and her bloods seem good. She should be conscious by now."

"Then why isn't she?"

It couldn't have been timed any better. Just as the final syllable of his sentence left Jay's mouth, coughs erupted for Erin's own. Her spluttering made his stomach turn but Jay never imagined that he would be so grateful to see the brunette's eyelids flutter and open as frantically as they did. He moved quickly back around to his seat and rubbed her arm comfortingly. Erin reached up suddenly with her left arm, inhaling sharply as the pain in her shoulder unexpectedly hit her. She barely noticed the sling that was forcing it back down again.

"Prepare for extubation."

"I'm right here, Er."

Her eyes darted swiftly around the room. They met Jay's own briefly. He could see the mixture of fear and confusion that was in her eyes. Her coughing had settled almost immediately as she saw him. The sight of Jay seemed to put her at ease. The doctor moved over to her quickly, the nurse following closely behind, catching her eye and bringing back unfortunate memories of the previous day.

"You're doing great Erin," Will said, moving closer to her line of sight so that she wouldn't strain her eyes and gave her a large smile, attempting to reassure her. He brought an oxygen mask to her face, letting her see it. "As soon as we remove the intubation you're going to have to wear this for a little while."

The tube was painful and uncomfortable. The feeling of her lungs filling with oxygen without her even taking a breath was indescribable. The pressure in her chest made her want to scream. Erin couldn't help but let her eyes water. She was still groggy and the rest of her body was aching, but all that she wanted was for the tube to be taken out. Keeping her guard up was not high on the brunette's list of priorities. She felt like a fish that had been forced out of water, flailing and desperate, but somehow being kept alive.

When she had first stopped breathing and Jay's heart had stopped beating, he had torn his eyes away from her. He couldn't watch as the breathing tube was being fed down her throat but he would force himself to watch as it was taken back out again. As Erin gazed around to him again and away from Will, the look in her eyes was enough to make Jay stay by her side. "Just look at me. It's all going to be okay, Er."

"Okay, Erin," Will said, his voice capturing her attention again. "We're going to get this out. I need you to take a deep breath and cough for me."

Jay winced as he watch his brother slowly pull out the tube from the brunette's throat. The nurse carefully suctioned the saliva from her mouth as she started to cough. Erin screwed her eyes shut tightly, praying that the procedure would be over just as quickly as it had started, and gripped Jay's hand tightly. After a few more moments had passed, the tube had finally been removed. Erin had never felt relief like it.

Jay grinned. "You did great."

Will placed the oxygen mask carefully over her face, pulling the strap behind her head though she couldn't move to help him. The feeling of the air entering her lungs again, and of her being able to inhale and exhale normally, was strange but she welcomed it like an old friend. The only downside was that the pain in the rest of her body became more prominent with every new breath that she took.

"There's a button by your hand for more pain relief. Just press it whenever you need it," Will said suddenly, almost as though he had read her mind. Erin moved her uninjured arm and pulled her hand out of Jay's grasp, reaching for the control as soon as the doctor had finished speaking. Both men chuckled slightly at the sight and Erin gave them a small smile, though she could quite get any words out. Jay let out a deep breath as he watched her.

"Thanks Will." Jay said, looking up to his younger brother. He wasn't entirely sure what he was thanking him for. It wasn't just for taking the tube out. It was for everything he done for him that night. It was more than a brother should have to do.

Will nodded. "Do you want me to give you guys a minute, or do you want to rip of the band aid. Metaphorically."

Erin glanced from Will to Jay. She hadn't even thought about her diagnosis.

She could feel the pain radiating throughout his body. She could feel the dry ache that lined her irritated throat. She could feel the brace supporting her neck, and she could feel the sling that was holding her left arm up high and close to her chest. She could feel the exact position on her forehead that had been cut. The only thing that she couldn't feel was her legs.

* * *

Erin placed her fingers gently over the plastic of the oxygen mask. It had been covering her mouth since Will had put it on. Her throat still felt as rough as it had ten minutes ago but she had yet to try and speak. She hadn't uttered a single word when Will had turned her entire world upside down. Jay hadn't said much either. Silence had started to surround them the minute that the doctor had left the room. The younger Halstead brother had said that he would be back in a few minutes. He would be back soon to perform a neurological exam and determine whether or not she was completely fucked.

It wasn't often that your day developed from 'my foster brother has been murdered' to 'there's a chance that I may never walk again'. Erin wasn't a huge fan of either situation. When she closed her eyes it was like she was back in that car again. Crying. At least that kid Justin had been there after they had crashed. Even if he was the one that had crashed into her and even if he had the same name as her dead brother, he had calmed her down. A part of her wished that he was by her side now.

"Where is Justin," Erin asked, pulling away the oxygen mask. Jay's head shot up immediately. He had been staring down at his lap as though he was scared of what any conversation would entail. She didn't blame him. The only thing that she hadn't anticipated was how much her throat would sting as soon as she started to speak. Her voice had fallen to a whole new level of raspiness that she had never thought possible. She needed water.

Jay frowned in confusion. He was under the impression that she knew what had happened. He thought that she understood all of the information that had been given to her. He didn't want to be the one that broke her heart all over again. Jay wasn't sure how he was supposed to answer his partner. "What do you mean?"

"Justin," she repeated his name. The look of confusion didn't leave Jay's face. Erin couldn't help but hope that he was okay. It sucked enough that she was in bad shape. He was beating himself up enough about it all when they were waiting on the ambulance to arrive. The least that Erin could do for him was let him know that he hadn't killed a cop. "Is he okay?"

Jay took a deep breath. He had to rip of the band aid. Just like Will had said. "Justin is dead, Erin."

Erin copied her partner's frown, putting the oxygen mask back on for a moment and inhaling. He couldn't be dead. "He was fine. I just saw him. I mean he only hurt his head. He walked away with a black eye. How can he be dead?"

"Erin," Jay shook his head apologetically, running his fingers through his short hair. First Nadia, now Justin. "I'm sorry. There was nothing that they could do."

"Fuck," she sighed. "He felt so guilty about crashing into me. He was so young."

He wasn't sure whether he had heard her right. Will hadn't said anything about a head injury. She had a few stitches but she shouldn't have been so confused, surely. He questioned. "Crashing into you?"

Erin nodded ever so slightly, the brace restricting her movement. "The guy that hit me with his car. His name was Justin. I just wanted him to know that I'm okay."

Jay could have kicked himself in that moment. "I didn't even think. He's not dead. I thought you meant...y'know."

She pulled the oxygen mask away again. She didn't want to think about what had happened to the other Justin. Justin Voight. She would ignore it for as long as she had to, if she had to. "It's fine. Do you think that you could maybe find out what happened to him for me?"

He nodded to his partner. "Definitely. I'll get a name from Will and we'll track him down."

"Thanks Jay."

A small smile settled on her lips as he brought her hand to his lips. It had been a hell of a day for both of them. Jay hadn't even thought about letting the others know. They would be sleeping by now anyway. Hopefully. Even if he wasn't going to get any rest, they deserved it. This was going to take it's toll on the whole team. He just wasn't sure why she wasn't freaking out more about everything.

"I love you," Jay said softly, resting his cheek against the back of her hand as he held it. "Always remember that, okay?"

" _Jay._ "

"You don't have to say it back," he shook his head. It was true. He didn't care when she finally said those three words. It could have been then, it could have been in years. It didn't matter. He would be there when she was ready. "Just don't do this to me again. Please?"

"I don't plan on it," the brunette smirked. "You should get some rest. Go home and have a shower."

"I'm not going anywhere."

She paused for a second, looking into her partner's eyes as a serious expression overcame his face. "Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared," Erin whispered, tightening her grip on his hand. She didn't want to admit it but there was nobody that she would have rather said it to.

He sighed. "I'm scared too, but we're going to be okay. I promise."

"What if I never walk again," she grimaced. "What will happen then?"

He thought for a moment. "Then we will be the coolest detectives in Chicago. Fighting crime one wheelchair ramp at a time...Too soon?"

She started to laugh, wincing slightly at the movement. "I'm trying to be serious. This is going to change everything."

"Erin," Jay said. "We're going to get through it. We always do."

"Okay."

"I'm going to stay here for a little while longer. They're going to have to force me out," he joked. "I'll let everyone else know what's going on. They'll probably want to come visit. That's not so bad. They might bring chocolate or grapes or something."

"True, that's not so bad," she smirked. "But if you don't start looking after yourself too then I'll get your brother to put me back under. We all know how you get when you're tired, Halstead."

"Hit me where it hurts why don't you," Jay chuckled. "But I am serious, we are going to get through this. As long as it takes, we're in this together. I promise."

She gave him another small nod. The silence that overcame them afterwards wasn't like the last. It was comfortable. For the first time since the crash, Erin felt like everything might just be okay. That was all that she needed. When Jay was by her side she felt as though she could conquer the world. Learning to walk again was nothing. It was only then that the thought had occurred to her. She wasn't entirely sure why it hadn't popped into her head before then. Erin opening her mouth to speak again, and Jay waited intently for the words.

"Where is Hank?"

 **As always, I am incredibly overwhelmed by the response that this story has gotten. It's definitely been prioritised but if you're a fan of my other stuff, new chapters are coming soon don't worry. Next time here however, we will see a little more of the Voight fallout.**

 **Please review and let me know your thoughts/ideas. It's definitely encouraging and gives me the motivation to write. Thank you!**


	5. Chapter 5

There was a brief moment in between the words falling past her lips and Jay finally answering her, that Erin could have sworn she heard her own heart beat in her ears. The silence was unnerving. It made her feel sick. She knew that her partner, in that singular moment, would have been racking his brain for a better response than just the inevitable truth. Erin wanted to believe whatever he had to say, but there was a nagging thought in the back of her mind as she watched the cogs in his head twist and turn desperately, that told her it would be a lie. Jay would try and go easy on her. He always did. As if she had to be protected. As if she was a fragile victim.

As if there was any way that he could make the situation any better.

As if whatever he said would change the fact that she was stuck in a hospital bed instead of standing on her own two feet.

"He..." Jay hesitated. The words were getting caught in his throat. He scratched his jaw slowly, attempting to buy himself a few more seconds to think of the right to say to her. He knew that none of what he said would even matter. He knew that she would see right through whatever lousy excuse that he settled on feeding her. There wasn't anything that he could do to fix things. Jay just didn't want to make things any harder than they had to be. "He couldn't make it."

The brunette frowned. They had both been right. His reply was bullshit and they both knew it.

A large part of Erin was grateful that her pain medication had started to kick in. It was a high that she was familiar with, although she didn't want to admit it. There was a small voice in her head that was reminding her of old habits but she chose to ignore it. The medication was making her head fuzzier than she was comfortable with when all she wanted to know was the truth. There was another voice that was trying to convince her to just blow it all off and close her eyes again. She pushed aside that one too.

"What do you mean he couldn't make it?"

He was practically her father. At least, he was the closest thing that she'd ever had to a real one. There wasn't a chance in hell that Voight just wouldn't come to the hospital. Not unless he had a good reason. Erin didn't want to be selfish, but she wasn't entirely sure that there was a reason that could be more important that possible permanent paralysis. That was just her though. Half the time she couldn't tell what was going on in the older man's head.

Something had to be wrong. Hank was the type of guy that would put everything aside to pick her up at 3am if she called. He was the type of guy that cancelled dinner plans to check up on kids after difficult cases. There wasn't a lot that was more important to him than family. He should have been there. He should have been standing at the bottom of her bed, pacing back and forth with his hands crossed tightly across his chest and that alpha male expression plastered onto his face - demanding answers and attempting to intimidate unfortunate doctors.

That was before Justin died.

Erin couldn't help but wonder whether or not this had anything to do with the confrontation that they had at the silos. The thought of him still being mad at her for trying to stop him was hard to swallow, but even Erin had to admit that this was a cruel new form of the silent treatment. It was as though he was blind to her suffering - ignoring her pain. Voight wasn't the only one that lost Justin. Unless something worse had happened to him after she left.

She couldn't think of much that was worse than this. It was Voight's fault that she was even on that road in the first place.

"Um." Jay froze.

Erin sighed, placing the oxygen mask back over her face momentarily. "Is he okay?"

Jay nodded. "He's fine."

If it were up to him, Voight would be anything but fine. If it were up to him, Voight would be nursing a black eye from across the bed. Jay knew that in the moment, staring at the older man's disinterest, he would have done a lot more than just throw one punch. He would have been leaving the district with a lot more than just rain soaking his shirt through. That wouldn't have helped any of them though. Jay knew that much.

Erin shook her head slightly, grimacing at the discomfort of the neck brace. It was difficult to get used to. She just wanted Will to come back and make everything better. "I don't get it then."

Jay let out a long, deep sigh. It was a breath that he hadn't even realised he was holding in. He hadn't anticipated having to tell her the full story. He knew that keeping details from her would do either of them any good, but the thought of how it would go down with the brunette made his stomach turn. He just had to go for it - but the finer details could wait. She didn't have to know about his anger or his fear. She didn't have to know about how much Voight didn't even care.

"We got the call that there had been an accident about an hour after you hung up on me. They were still cutting you out of the car. I didn't think that - I mean - I expected the worst. When we showed up at the hospital -."

It was like he was back in the emergency room again.

"Jay," Erin said, stopping his flow of words though her voice came out as barely more than a whisper. She pulled the mask on again carefully and inhaled deeply. She wished that the medication could have made her numb but there was a dull ache that was covering her whole body. Jay was avoiding her gaze. The brunette reached a shaking hand out to him but his eyes drifted further away from her, barely acknowledging her touch as her thin fingers wrapped themselves around his wrist. Her voice was muffled somewhat by the mask but that didn't stop her from speaking again. "You don't have to say all of that. It's okay. Just tell me about Hank."

He looked back quickly as she spoke. His eyes had been fixed to one of the bland paintings that had been hung up on the wall. He had to rip off the bandaid, just like Will had said. It was easier to pretend that he was talking to a victim, or a family member. If he thought of it like a case then it would be easier to detach himself from the situation. It would be easier to tell her. "I told Voight that there had been an accident. I told him that you were alive but he doesn't know about your condition. I tried to change his mind but he wouldn't listen to anything that I had to say. He told me that he didn't want to lose another kid in this place. Not today."

Even after so many hours had passed them by, Jay still struggled to wrap his head around the older man's actions. They were all hurting. Justin's death had hit Erin almost just as hard as it had hit Hank. The wound was still fresh but it wasn't an excuse to abandon his other kid. Jay just couldn't understand it. The memory of his encounter with his boss still made his blood boil, but he wasn't going to let it show. The last thing that Erin needed was more drama. He wasn't going to be the one adding any more fuel to the fire.

The brunette grit her teeth as she spoke, peeling the mask off and letting go of him. "Okay. It's fine."

Jay shook his head. He could tell that despite her hurt, she was just trying to brush it off. Nothing ended well when they just brushed it aside. He had learned that the hard way with Erin. "It's not fine. It's anything but fine."

"I said that it is," she said, snapping at her partner without even realising it. Jay didn't think anything of it. "He's a grown man that can make his own decisions. If he doesn't want to come then we can't make him."

"He should be here," Jay persisted. It wasn't right.

"Jay." Erin's eyes hardened as she spoke, her eyebrows furrowing. He noticed it too. "Just leave it. Please."

"How am I just supposed to leave it?"

"Because I'm asking you to, okay?" she replied, waiting on him to say 'okay' or acknowledge what she was asking of him. He hesitated but nodded eventually, seeing how she wasn't going to give up any time soon. "And I'm pretty sure that I should have the last say because I'm the one that's stuck in this hospital bed."

"Okay." He gave her a small smile, reaching over and taking the mask out of her hand. There was a small feeling of guilt rising in his chest as he looked at her. He felt bad for getting her worked up when all she wanted to do was move on. Even if she wasn't saying how she really felt, and even if he wasn't going to forget about how he felt, he decided to drop it. "You should keep this on."

"Just trying to shut me up," Erin smirked, her already quiet voice dampened.

Jay feigned insult. "Me? Never." He didn't want to argue with her anymore.

He took her hand in his own again, tracing her thumb lightly with his own, before bringing it up to his face and kissing the back of her hand. It was starting to become a habit of his but he didn't care, and he was sure that Erin didn't mind much either. It comforted him. When they had been talking it became so easy to forget everything that had happened the previous night. It was so easy to forget her diagnosis. It was only when the silence creeped back in between them that the reality of the situation truly started to sink in. But all things aside, he was just happy that Erin was okay. That was the important thing.

There was a knock from the other side of the door. Jay flinched slightly at the sound, his head spinning around instantly to search for the source of the noise. There wasn't much more moving that Erin could have done to look.

"How is my new favourite patient doing?" Will said as he walked through the door, giving them the signature Halstead smile that Erin was all too familiar with. Jay could tell that his enthusiasm was put on but he appreciated the effort nevertheless. They were going to need as much positivity as they could get. He couldn't help but think that his brothers efforts to ease their tension was all in vain though. It didn't do much good. Jay had been tense since the very moment that he had stepped foot into the hospital. It was going to take a while for that to change. "It's good to see you a little more coherent."

"What can I say," Erin joked. "Consciousness suits me."

Will laughed. It was even more forced than his smile had been. Jay could see right through it but he knew that his younger brother was only trying to be nice. He was trying to keep spirits high for all of their sakes but Jay couldn't help but feel a twinge of anger at his actions. Nothing was okay. There was no point in pretending.

The doctor moved over to the other side of the bed, across from Jay, and reached for the oxygen mask that she had left resting on her chest. He pulled it over her mouth gently, just as he had done before. "Doesn't suit you as much as a healthy flow of oxygen does."

"I second that," Jay spoke suddenly, chuckling encouragingly.

"It's just for a little while," Will said before continuing. "Have you had a chance to think about what I said earlier? About your options."

"Yes."

"No."

The spoke at the exact same time, though Erin's answer was somehow stronger than Jay's regardless of the oxygen mask. He frowned at his partner's reply, immediately turning to look at her questioningly. They hadn't spoken at all about any of her options. They were the last thing on Jay's mind. Thoughts about the information that Will had left them with had been pushed to the back of his head, barely crossing his own mind as they discussed the whereabouts of Voight. Jay was was more than certain that they hadn't crossed the brunette's either. At least, he thought that they hadn't.

"I want to have the surgery," Erin spoke again though her words were somewhat more muffled than before. She didn't bother moving the mask, knowing that it would only lead to protestations from the brothers that were beside her.

"What?" Jay shook his head, looking to the doctor then back to his girlfriend again. "Erin. We haven't decided anything. We haven't even spoken about it."

"I can give you a few more minutes. It's no big deal," Will replied, noticing the tension that had started to grow between the two again. "But we'll need a decision as soon as possible."

The brunette kept her eyes on the younger doctor, refusing to look at Jay at all. She had listened intently when Will had talked them through her options. She knew all of the pros and cons. She also knew that if she looked at her partner then her mind might start to change. She would start overthinking everything.

She didn't want to think about it anymore. She wanted everything just to go back to normal. It was the only way.

"No. It's fine. I want the surgery."

"Give us a few more minutes, Will," Jay said, holding a hand up to his brother to stop him from saying anything else.

He knew just how Erin could be in tough situations. He knew that she put up her walls. She was impulsive and self destructive - though there wasn't much room for her self destructive side to come out given the situation. He knew that she was going to try and shut him out but he wasn't going to let her.

They both knew the risks. They both knew about the possible complications.

"There is no us," Erin replied sharply. He winced internally at her snap. He couldn't ignore it like he had the last time. The same look had settled in her eyes as before too. Jay didn't like how much he was beginning to get used to it. He didn't like it at all. "This is my decision. It is my spine. It is my life. I want the surgery."

Will nodded carefully, taking in the sight that was in front of him. He could tell just how apprehensive his older brother was but he knew that Erin was right. It was her decision. It was her choice. There was nothing that Jay could do about it. He gave them a thin smile. It was nothing like the one that he had offered them before. "Okay. One of the nurses will come in soon and we'll start prepping you for surgery."

"Will you be operating?" Erin asked calmly, as though nothing had happened. Jay stayed quiet. For a brief moment his mouth opened, but no sound came out. He closed it quickly. He didn't know what he was supposed to say to her.

"No. I wish I could," Will shook his head. His smile remained. "But there is a great team that is going to look after you. If you want I can be there - in the theatre I mean. Since Jay won't be able to."

Jay sighed, leaning back into his chair and moving further away from Erin. He wanted to argue more. They were supposed to be in it together. He watched as they finished the rest of their brief conversation, but he wasn't really listening at all. He could see his brother's mouth open and close, and he could see his eyes flicker up to meet his occasionally, but Jay felt like he wasn't even there at all.

It didn't matter if he was there. It's not like Erin would care if he wasn't. She didn't even want to discuss her treatment. How were they supposed to talk about anything else?

Jay didn't acknowledge Will as he finally left the room. He didn't acknowledge Erin either, even when she turned her head a few centimetres in his direction.

"You should go and get a coffee or something," Erin said quietly. "Or just some fresh air."

"I'm fine," he shook his head.

Erin sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"It's not fine."

"Y'know," Jay said, pushing himself off of his chair suddenly. He grabbed his keys from the counter that was beside her bed, shoving them quickly into his back pocket. "I think fresh air is a good idea. I'll call everyone while I'm there."

Erin barely had a chance to say goodbye to him before he was out the door.

The corridors were busier than they had been when he had first been led to Erin's room. Jay liked it better than the silence. There had been too much silence filling his time in the last few hours. He had appreciated it at first. In the beginning he was just content to be by her side. He could have stared at her for hours.

Those precious hours had been and gone.

Earlier he would have felt guilty for leaving her. Now he felt very little at all.

The walk outside was quick. He had bumped into a mousy looking intern on his way down, knocking a few files out of their hands. He had stopped briefly to help pick them back up again too before continuing on his way.

The cool air that hit him as he walked through the front doors was refreshing. Goosebumps rose quickly on his bare forearms and he wished that he has a jacket. There was one in his car but he couldn't bring himself to move any further away from the hospital. The rain had stopped but the clouds were still dark. There was more of the storm to come. It didn't matter to Jay. He would be spending a hell of a lot more time inside the walls of the hospital. A little thunder and lightening wasn't going to affect him at all. Not that it would anyway. Ever since he had been a kid, storms had always excited him. He loved the weather reports and the sounds of the wind and water pounding against his bedroom window when he was in bed. Jay had a feeling that the rest of this storm wasn't going to be so fun though the worst of it was over.

"Hey," a voice spoke to Jay's right. He hadn't even noticed that someone was out there with him. It was Natalie Manning. He had heard his brother talk about her a thousand times and met her a handful in comparison. She was leaning against a wall near the door, a large travel mug - of presumably coffee - resting in her hands.

"Hey," he replied, taking a few steps towards her. He hadn't anticipated how good it would feel to talk to someone new. "Long time no see."

"I wish it was under better circumstances," Natalie said, reaching a hand out to give him a small pat on the back. "I heard what happened with Erin."

Jay frowned unconsciously. It wasn't as though she had died. She was up there in a hospital bed, living and breathing. Jay wasn't sure how ready he was for the pitying looks and condolences when he went back to the district. He knew that they would inevitably come. Everyone rallied together when one of their own was hurt. Until now, Jay just hadn't been at the receiving end of their sympathy.

"Yeah," he nodded. He wasn't sure what else he was supposed to say to her.

"How's she doing?"

"She's good," Jay said. This was the first of many times that he was going to have to recount her diagnosis. And recount the treatment that he had had no say in. "She's got a lot of cuts and bruises, and a dislocated shoulder. Something happened with her spleen too and they had to remove it."

Natalie scrunched her nose. "That's awful."

"She's going back in for surgery in a little while," he continued. "She has a spinal fracture and some nerve damage so..."

He knew from looking in the doctor's eyes that he didn't have to say any more. She knew exactly what it all meant. A part of Jay was grateful that he didn't have to go on.

Natalie took a deep breath. "Erin's tough. She'll get through this. Especially if she has you by her side."

"Yeah," Jay replied. He knew that Erin was tough. Too tough for her own good sometimes. "I'll tell her you were asking for her."

"Thanks," Natalie said, giving him a genuine smile before motioning to the hospital behind them. "I should probably be getting back, but I might stop by and visit in the next few days - if Erin's up to it I mean."

Jay smiled back. "I'm sure she'll appreciate it regardless. Thanks."

Natalie took his words as her queue to leave his side. Jay gave her a small wave as she walked back through the doors. He could hear cars on the roads across from him. The rest of Chicago was getting on with their lives. There was nothing more that he wanted than for him and Erin to go back to theirs too. For everything to be like it was before again. No fractures. No surgeries.

He pulled his phone out of his back pocket, unlocking it swiftly and searching through his list of contacts before finding the one that he wanted.

"Hey man."

"Hey," Ruzek groaned from the other end of the line.

"I know it's early," Jay continued. Adam would be getting up for work soon anyway. The sun had already started to rise. The sky was dark but there were a few orange streaks that were peeking through the clouds.

Ruzek stopped him before he could say anything else. "Don't worry about it man. How is she? Do you want me to come over?"

Jay took a deep breath. Round two of difficult conversations. "She's doing okay. They're taking her back into surgery in a while to try and fix her back but she's awake."

"That's great. I was going to stop by before work anyway. Is that cool?"

"Of course," Jay nodded, even though he knew that Adam wouldn't be able to see him. "Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything."

"Can you grab me a change of clothes. Maybe a toothbrush or something too?"

Adam chuckled slightly. "Yeah, definitely. See you in a while."

Jay smiled as he hung up. It was good to hear his friend's voice. He considered calling the rest of the team but decided against it. It would be better to tell them in person. He didn't want to wake anyone else up. Even if he wasn't sleeping, he wanted them to be able to. He looked down to his phone. His recent calls were beaming back up at him.

Voight.

There was a small voice in the back of his head that was telling him to phone the older man.

Jay closed his phone and slid it back into his pocket again. If Voight wanted news then he could come to the hospital and get it himself.

 **There's only so many times that I can say thank you for the support. Seriously means a lot to me. If I can hit a hundred reviews in the next few chapters I will be ecstatic.**

 **As always, let me know what you think and what you want to see.**


	6. Chapter 6

It was funny. It was always the most difficult of cases that required the least coffee. On a good day Jay could chug a gallon of the liquid, especially if Erin was making it for him, but when times got tough he could barely bring it to his mouth. He didn't need anything to keep him awake. Regardless, his fingers were wrapped tightly around his second cup of coffee of the morning. He had barely taken a few sips from it. He was trying to pretend that the heat didn't hurt at all and that it wasn't searing deep into his palm, letting the pain linger for far longer than he should have.

He was counting to one hundred.

When Jay was away from her, it was so easy for him to forget what happened. Like his subconscious was trying to convince him that nothing was wrong by pushing anxious thoughts to the back of his mind. It only made matters worse when he remembered and reality came crashing back down on him. He knew that the stinging in his hand was nothing in comparison to the agony that the brunette must have been in back in that car. Jay just wished that it were him instead of her.

His face contorted slightly, his shoulders tensing, as the burning sensation grew more intense, but he barely moved at all. It was nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing that he couldn't handle. He could take it. There was a part of Jay that felt like an idiot for just standing there the way that he was., but another part of him could help but crave the discomfort that was being gifted to him.

He could have stopped this. All of this. If he had just been with her instead of on a wild goose chase. He knew from the minute that Erin had hung up the phone that something wasn't right. He should have listened to his gut.

Jay hadn't even realised that he had stopped counting. The numbers had drifted quietly out of his mind somewhere between forty and fifty but he hadn't noticed at all. His eyes flickered upwards, the clinical corridors invading his sight. It was strange. His chaos was irrelevant in the hospital. The same thought had came to mind back in the cafeteria. Their problems were no more important than anyone else's, but to Jay it didn't matter. It still felt like the world was falling to pieces right in front of him.

He slid the cup back into the cardboard holder that he had mindlessly accepted from the girl at the counter, and switched it over to the hand that was free. There were a few sachets of sweetener in his front pocket. He could feel them pressing against the top of his thigh. When he had grabbed them he had been more worried about getting back to Erin to realise how many he was cramming into his jeans. Standing outside of her door was another matter completely though. Jay couldn't seem to bring himself to walk back through the door again.

Jay looked down to his hand again, flexing each of his fingers slowly. They curled until the tips met the tender flesh. His palm still stung a little. He figured that he should probably get Will to have a look at it. He just felt pathetic as he winced though. It was nothing.

He could have laughed at himself there and then. Jay knew that he was just wasting time. Acting as though that hospital room was the last place he needed to be when it was really the only place that he had to be. He was supposed to walk in without a single ounce of hesitation in his body, and flash Erin a signature, comforting smile that told her for the millionth time since she had been brought around, that he was there no matter what happened. It didn't matter how many times Jay told himself that. He didn't want to have to slap on another 'everything is going to be okay' look when he knew that deep down, neither of them was really sure that it was going to be.

But he would do it anyway. For her.

He hated that there was apprehension weaving in and out of his thoughts. He knew that he had to be there for her. He wanted to be there for her no matter what. He loved her. But this was going to change her life. His life. Their life. They had already gone through a lot of crazy things. Together. Jay couldn't help but let his mind drift back to those moments. The situations may have been crazy, and difficult beyond belief, but they were still a hell of a lot more simple than this one.

He could remember the very first day that they had met one another. He had heard all about his new boss' golden girl. As much as he hated to admit it now, Jay would always remember the way that he had written her off initially. It made him feel like an idiot. It didn't take long for things to change after that. There had been no denying the sparks that laced the air between them. Even if Erin hadn't felt it like he had, he didn't care. He could remember just how she had snatched his car keys out of his hand and raised an eyebrow questioningly, like she always did, when he protested, and how regardless of how much she frustrated him at times like that, she was everything that he never knew he needed and more.

Jay could remember the lumps that grew quickly and without warning in the back of his throat when they were out in the field and there was radio silence from Erin's end of the line. When he had stopped being worried for his partner and instead worried for...her. He could remember when they cooled things off and starting things back up and everything that happened in between. He could remember the accidents and close calls - though he tried his best to forget. Jay didn't even want to think about Nadia. He knew that if she were still there with them, still alive, she would be in worse shape than him and Erin put together.

Maybe if Nadia were there Erin wouldn't be getting ready for spinal surgery at all.

Though, if Jay knew Erin like he thought he knew her, she would have found some other way to make his heart shatter into a million pieces at the drop of a hat, or like it had earlier, stop all together. Erin had always told him that she was born into bad news but Jay had never wanted to let her accept that. To accept the fact that things like this called her like a siren.

There had only really been one moment that compared to this. One moment that stood out to him more than anything else. There was nothing more painful to him than knowing that he could lose her without her really ever being gone. That was what pushed him to not let it be true. Until tonight in the emergency room, Jay hadn't thought that anything could come as close to turning his life around as the night that he had been told that she had turned her badge in to Voight. In Bunny's bar of all places. Something had clicked in him then. He could feel it simmering in his bones now. He hadn't given up on her and it had all worked out for the better. There wasn't a chance that he was going to start giving up on her now.

This time was just harder.

The hardest part was that Erin would pretend like she didn't need him at all. She would make it clear that she didn't need anyone to save her. That she could handle everything just fine on her own. Jay knew that was all lies, but she would say it again and again until her face turned blue if she really had to. He knew that she would tell the surgeons to leave her alone too if she thought that she could get away with it.

Jay laughed slightly, letting a small chuckle escape past his lips at the thought. He shook his head suddenly, realising where he was standing. It would just be like her though. He didn't even want to think about how stubborn their kids would end up being because of Erin.

He frowned.

He shouldn't have let that thought cross his mind.

It felt strange now. Before he wouldn't have hesitated when it came to imagining their future together but now Jay wasn't sure how long their future would be. He just had to be positive. Erin was the toughest person that he knew. If anyone could get through this it would be her.

Jay was almost shocked that he had managed to catch her so off guard earlier. Sure, she was hurt, and sure, she was on a lot of pain medication, but it wasn't often at all that he got to see traces of vulnerability shine through the cracks. There was a small part of him that hated when it happened though. It lured him into a false sense of hope that he always seemed to fall for. It was only then that her walls shot back up faster than they ever had before. If the brunette snapping at him earlier was anything to go by then her typical front of passive aggressiveness was rising just as swiftly as it always did.

Jay was just desperate for the day that his partner would finally feel safe enough to lean on him for the support that she needed with no strings attached. When she would be comfortable for more than just a few fleeting moments at a time when everything was tough. The frustration tended to drive him to the brink of insanity but Jay had learned early on in their relationship that it was just the way that she was and that there was absolutely nothing that he could do to change that about her unless she did it for herself. Like that was going to happen.

The door opened suddenly and instinctively, Jay took a large step back from where he had been standing. The lukewarm coffee sloshed around in its cup, threatening to spill over from the small hole in the lid and onto the linoleum floor. His brother's face appeared in front of his own with another man following closely behind him. Jay had never seen him before.

Jay's eyebrows furrowed down. He made no attempt to hide the expression in front of Will and the stranger in a white coat that was standing next to him. He didn't bother changing the blunt tone of his voice as the words fell out of his mouth. "What's happening?"

"Jay," Will said, letting out a deep breath and gesturing ever so slightly to the man at his side. He ignored his brother's attitude completely. "This is Dr. Stevens. He will be operating on Erin shortly."

Jay ignored the surgeon's hand as it was reached out, though somewhat apprehensively, to greet him. All that he could think about was the fact that he hadn't been in the room when the procedure was getting explained to Erin. At least, that's what Jay had assumed they had done. Meanwhile he had been too busy feeling sorry for himself out in the hallway instead of being their for his partner. The last thing that he wanted to do was reach his own hand back out at some surgeon, shaking Dr. Whatever-The-Hell-His-Name-Is' hand.

"I should just go in," Jay said slowly, looking away from the pair. Dr Steven's lowered his arm quickly and cleared his throat.

Will nodded. "Erin will fill you in."

"Thanks," Jay murmured, turning away from the men and grabbing hold of the metal handle of the hospital door. He didn't want Erin to fill him in. He should have been there to hear it when it was said the first time.

"Hey," Will spoke again, placing a hand on his older brother's shoulder before he could take another step. Jay looked up quickly but avoided the eye contact that he had broken. "How are you holding up. This can't be easy on you..."

His brother had never been much good at being sympathetic or comforting when Jay needed it. He had learned not to lean on Will for stuff like that. It was just the way that they were. "This isn't about me."

"I knew you were going to say something like that," he replied with a sigh and a small shake of the head. "I can't not ask you. Just know that I'm here if you need me. Any time."

Jay shrugged slightly, pulling down the handle. It made him feel uneasy when Will spoke to him like that. "I'm fine. You do your job and I'll do mines."

The drowsy smile that welcomed him as Jay entered the room took away the unease that had settled in his body almost immediately. Erin was looking far better than she had when he had left. Not that she didn't always look perfect to him, Jay thought, but given the situation she was starting to look normal again. If he ignored the cuts and bruises then for a second or two he could pretend that nothing had happened at all. Jay had been doing a lot of that the past few hours. The oxygen mask that Erin had been using was resting by her side, discarded when she had managed to catch her breath again. Jay couldn't help but let out his own sigh of relief at the sight. It was a start.

When their eyes met, it was as though their surroundings had been drowned out completely. Like it was just the two of them again. He couldn't be mad at her. "How are you feeling now?" Jay asked. The small silence that had started to grow between them was broken instantly.

"Comfortable," Erin replied, the corners of her mouth drifting back down again. It was true. Comfortable was the best way she could describe her feelings. There was a dull ache covering her entire body. Well, her entire body from the waist up. It was proving harder and harder to ignore, especially with the surgeon coming to speak to her, but if she closed her eyes and let herself go for a moment, it was as though she were floating and nothing else mattered. Jay being back helped. She could let herself focus on him instead.

"I slipped the nurse a twenty to hook you up with the good drugs," he smirked slightly but it barely lasted as long as her smile had.

Erin bit her lip, ignoring his attempt at a joke. Their conversation from before had been playing over and over in her head. "Jay." Her voice had settled back into it's usual raspy tone. After the tube that had been forced down her throat had been taken out, she had sounded like someone who smoked forty a day. Jay had always told her that he loved her voice, but she hated it even more then. She was just glad that the tube was gone. Her voice hadn't raised to more than a whisper since then though. It was still rough and sore, especially when she tried to speak, but she had to get it off of her chest. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier. The way that I spoke to you. I shouldn't have been like that."

"It's okay Erin."

He hated how soft she made him. As much as he would try and deny it, he had been pissed at her for what had happened. He knew that she was hurting and that this was all a little too much, but it was frustrating regardless. Jay couldn't help it. But from the moment that he had stepped back into her presence, the anger was gone completely. Jay didn't know whether it was because of the hospital, or just her making him melt as she always did, but he couldn't be mad anymore. Not now.

"It's not okay," Erin persisted, letting out a deep breath. "You're just trying to be there for me and help me. I know that I don't show it, but I appreciate it so much."

Jay took a few short steps towards her before lowering himself back onto the chair that he had been sitting on beforehand. He nodded slowly, scratching at the nape of his neck as he thought of the right words to say back to her. It made Erin anxious. Like the only reason he had came back was to tell her that he was leaving her. It made her chest tight. "I need you to let me in, Er."

"What?" Erin asked confusedly. She didn't know whether it was just the drugs playing tricks on her mind.

"The only way that this is going to work is if you let me in," he continued. "I wanted to be with you. I've wanted to be with you since the moment that I met you. But now more than ever, if you want this like I do then you have to help me out. Please."

Jay moved forward slightly, sliding to the edge of his seat as he grasped her uninjured hand, holding eye contact with her as if it were the last time that he was ever going to look into her eyes. He knew that regardless of her answer, he would be there. Even if she said no to him, he would work as hard as he could to change her mind. There wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to leave her. He couldn't lose her. He just needed to hear the words come out of her mouth.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Jay hadn't expected an easy answer from her at all. His head tilted slightly as the word fell out of his own mouth. Like a dog who didn't understand a command. Like he thought that she were just joking with him. He had expected her to close off more.

She nodded ever so slightly. Jay could see it, regardless of how much the collar around her neck was still limiting her movement. "I'll try. I promise."

"Okay," he repeated again with a nod, letting another smile creep back onto his lips.

Erin smiled back. She couldn't say no to him. She would never say no to him. She was done feeling like she was the only person in the word that she could depend on. She needed him now. It didn't matter how much the nagging voice in the back of her head was screaming to tell her that it was all just a bad idea, or how it flashed red warning signs in her mind simply at the prospect. There was another part of her that fought it. That part of her told her that Jay was safe. She needed him. "Jay."

"Yeah?" The goofy smile that he had given her before was still resting on her lips. He looked content. Erin wanted to take a picture. She knew that her promise was a leap of faith for him, but she was grateful at how content he was for just that. She was grateful for everything that he did for her.

"I love you."

He paused.

He had been waiting for those words to leave her mouth for so long. She had danced around them as though she was scared that they would bite her back.

"I love you too," Jay replied. He stood up slightly, though not all the way, hovering above her face for a moment as their eyes locked. He leaned down, placing a soft kiss on the brunette's lips. Jay knew that he had to stop. He had to stop and remind himself that she was still in a hospital bed, but the thought drifted quickly out of his mind just as quickly as it had entered it as Erin's lips parted, begging him not to go without words.

He moved suddenly as she tried to pull away, tilting her head to the side as much as she could as she let out a rough cough. "Sorry." Erin struggled to catch her breath again.

"Don't be sorry," Jay shook his head rapidly. "I should be the sorry one. I should be the one apologizing. You're in no fit state."

"No," she replied, reaching for his hand like he had earlier. "Thank you."

"Thank you for what?" The confusion growing in his voice as his eyebrows furrowed.

"Thank you for never giving up on me."

Jay was sure he had heard that before. "You don't have to say thank you. I'm here. That's all that matters."

The corners of her mouth twisted upwards. "It's going to suck if this is just the drugs messing with me."

Jay chuckled. "You gotta fill me in on the surgery details."

"On one condition."

"Anything."

"You go home. Get some rest. Go to a bar for all I care," Erin said. "Just get out of here for a little while, please."

"A bar?" Jay raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe not a bar, but I'm serious. This place is going to drain the life out of you."

He didn't want to go anywhere. He would stay by her side forever if he could. "Adam is going to stop by before work and drop some clean clothes off for me. Is that enough for you?"

"Not a chance," she persisted. "You should go back to the district with him. It'll be good for you to see everyone. If you're that against going home, I mean. They'll probably want an update anyways. It saves them worrying and hauling themselves out here when I'll be in surgery anyway."

"What if something happens while you're in there though," he said. "And I'll be across town when I could be here instead."

"Will will call you if anything happens - not that anything will happen. The district isn't that far away at all. It'll be fine."

Jay huffed. "I'm not happy about this."

"Really?" Erin feigned surprise. "I couldn't tell at all."

"Alright, alright," Jay chuckled. "If it'll make you happy."

Erin paused for a second. She didn't know whether to bring it up or not. "Did you hear anything from Hank? I don't want you doing anything stupid if he's there. The last thing we need is you getting kicked off of the team."

"I don't think he's in any position to be making threats."

"Jay," Erin pleaded.

"I'm not playing nice when he can't even be bothered to find out how you are."

"Please," Erin said, her voice sharpening. It wasn't a question.

Jay sighed. He didn't want to be nice. He didn't want to be civil at all. But he would. For her. "I'll try. I promise."

 **Thank you for all of the feedback. It really does mean the world to me. I'm having a pretty tough time right now so you're keeping me going. I've just started back school so that doesn't help either. I'm working it all out though.**

 **As always, let me know what you think.**


	7. Chapter 7

Adam had never been the type of person to become speechless easily. There hadn't been a lot of moments in his life that it had happened at all. He wasn't so familiar with the way that his thoughts mushed into one or the way that the words got all jumbled up right when they were on the tip of his tongue. It was always when a hospital bed came into sight. He recognised that pattern. They made him uneasy.

The feeling had only hit him once before, that he could remembered, in Chicago Med, and it was because of Kim. Adam had always hoped that he would never be in that position again, but sitting next to Erin brought it all back without warning.

It wasn't because he was scared or because he was worried. Of course he was. But that wasn't the problem. He wasn't even sure whether or not it was just because one of his best friends was lying flat out with a sling and a neck brace, and a dozen cuts and scrapes, not to mention the millions of other tubes and wires that were protruding from places that he couldn't even see. The sight was unsettling, but it wasn't the cause.

It was Erin's silence that fuelled his own. He had known that she wasn't going to be in good shape. Everything that he had heard from the EMT's and the firefighters that had been on sight told him that she wasn't going to be in good shape, not to mention the few things that Jay had updated him with. Adam had just hoped that when he stopped by Erin would be better than he expected. He had imagined that there would be quips and jokes flying about the room like live ammunition on a busy day out in the field, but there wasn't a lot that either of them had to say.

She was awake. They had exchanged hello's when he had walked in, but that was the extent of the conversation. Adam could see that she was doing okay. He just didn't know why things were so quiet.

"So how are you holding up?" He felt stupid for asking but he had to ask something, even if he was forcing the words out of his throat. He had seen photographs of the scene. There wasn't very many ways that she could reply without lying.

Erin coughed, clearing her throat to answer Adam. She winced as the vibrations travelled through her body. There was only so much that the pain medication could do for her. Adam frowned, immediately guilty for making her speak. "I've been better."

Adam smiled. It was good to hear her voice properly. "Yeah. I think that we all have."

"The sooner that I get this surgery over and done with, the better," Erin said, letting a lazy smirk creep onto her face. She was struggling to keep her eyes open again but she forced herself to keep going. It was good to talk to someone that wasn't a doctor or a nurse, or someone that was holding himself responsible for what had happened. It was easier to hold herself together when she was distracted. "You guys will be wreaking havoc on the city while I'm out of the game. Gotta get back sooner rather than later."

Ruzek let out a sigh of relief as her words, chuckling breathily before he spoke again. Hospitals always seemed to suck the personality right out of a conversation. He was grateful that it was slowly drifting back into theirs. "I can't promise you anything there." Adam glanced back to the closed door that was a little behind him. Jay hadn't said much to him as he had handed him the small bag. The detective had walked swiftly into the small bathroom with his clothes and toiletries without a second thought. Adam hadn't taken it personally. "How is he?"

Erin opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself immediately. There wasn't much that she could say to him. She wasn't sure whether or not it would be better to tell Adam the truth of the situation. Though if Ruzek couldn't see what was happening with his best friend himself then she would be shocked. "I know that he's trying to put on a brave face for me." She stopped again, inhaling deeply. It felt like her jaw was being weighed down more and more whenever she tried to say something. As though her brain was telling her body to conserve its energy. "I can see right through it. He's so worried about me. About everything. I appreciate it more than I could ever tell him but he's leaving nothing for himself. I think it's because he blames himself in a way."

"He blames himself?" Ruzek frowned at the brunette's words. He couldn't understand how Jay could possibly blame himself. They had been together when he had gotten the call. There was nothing that any of them could have done to prevent it. "What do you mean?"

"You know him as well as I do," Erin sighed. Adam nodded along. "He likes to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wants to fix my problems like their his problems." Adam knew that it was try. Knowing Jay, he was probably feeling guilty for not being able to go into the operating theatre himself with a scalpel and the medical knowledge to use it. "I need you to do me a favour."

"Anything," Adam said immediately. It was the least that he could do for her.

"Just look out for him," Erin said, closing her eyes momentarily. "Please."

Adam's eyebrows furrowed. It had gone without saying. The brunette hadn't even needed to ask him. He had been in that mindset ever since the night before. It was one of the only things, besides Erin's own well being, that he had been worrying about. "Of course, Er. Of course."

It didn't matter how persistent Erin was in wanting Jay to take a break from being around her and being in the hospital, she couldn't deny how anxious she was over him going back to the district and being around Voight. If what he had told her about when he spoken to the older man, or the way that he had acted when he had come back, was anything to go by then she was sure that their next encounter was going to be plain sailing. Erin had been angry at first. She couldn't think of anything that could have been more important to Voight than making sure that she was okay. It wasn't Erin being obnoxious, or self-absorbed. With everything that had happened, she was all that Hank had left.

She didn't want to think about any of that anymore. She didn't want to think about any of it.

"Don't let him start something with Voight," Erin said. "I don't think I can cope with any more drama."

Adam knew that things weren't right between them. The way that Jay had acted the night before was enough to tell him that, but he was as much in the dark as anyone else was. Voight had been quiet at the district. The older man generally kept to himself on quieter days, and with everything that had been happening with Justin and his family, they had seen it coming, but there was an indescribably tension that filled the room whenever he was in it.

They all wanted to know what had been going on before Erin's accident. They wanted to know why they had been set up to check out an address - why they had been sent out on some wild goose chase and no explanation as to where Voight was. They wanted to know what Erin had freaked out over on the phone and they wanted to know where the older man had been when it was all going down. They wanted to know where Erin had been coming from when she had crashed. They had so many questions that were nowhere near being answered.

But they knew how Voight was. They knew that his way of dealing with cases wasn't always kosher. As much as they wanted to know the truth of what had happened the night before, they sure as hell weren't going to hassle their boss about it or their friend who was now trapped in a hospital bed. So Adam stayed quiet about it. He knew that causing a fuss wasn't going to land them anywhere good.

It was the soft click of the door opening behind him that commanded his attention before he could open his mouth again and put Erin's mind at ease. The sound dragged him away from the conversation that was in front of him and away from the worry that had settled in the brunette's eyes. They both looked to Jay immediately, though Erin couldn't see much of him out of her peripheral vision, but his eyes were focused solely on his partner. There wasn't much that a change of clothes could have done to make things alright, but Jay looked better than he had when he had entered the bathroom. Though, there wasn't a lot that could have been done to make him look any worse. Adam had almost thought for a second that he had been transported into the future when he met his friend. He didn't think it was possible for someone to age so much in a few hours.

They could both smell his deodorant from where they were sitting. It made Adam scrunch up his nose slightly but neither of the other two noticed. The scent made Erin forget for a second where she was. Adam hadn't been able to go over to Jay's place to get stuff for him. After his apartment had been trashed he had taken his spare key out from under the rug and vowed never to leave one lying around where someone else could find it, and Adam hadn't had one of his own. In his rush, he had pulled together a few things of his own in the hope that they would be okay for the detective. The t-shirt that he had grabbed was a good enough fit that nobody would even notice that Jay had borrowed it from someone else. Adam was just grateful that he had done his laundry a few days before.

The change in deodorant though, Erin noticed. It was one that she remembered Jay using only a handful of times, but it was fresh enough in her mind for a memory to come flooding back into her mind. She couldn't remember any precise details. She couldn't remember when it had been or what they had been doing together. Though she could imagine what they had been doing. She could just remember laying in bed with him, her head resting on her chest and very little worries clouding her head. She almost felt sad as the image drifted back into her mind. Erin wished that they could back their now. They had been so content - so happy with each other. Nothing else had mattered.

"You know that I'm only a phone call away if you need me," Jay said. He sat the bag that Ruzek had given him down next to the cabinet beside the bed. Giving her a tight smile, he took a few slow steps towards her. "It doesn't matter if you think that it's stupid or dumb, or even if you just want to say 'hey'."

Erin snorted slightly. She couldn't help but laugh a little at her boyfriend's words. She could never get used to how much he cared. "It's only for a few hours. You're not going to war, Halstead."

"Going back out there would be easier than this," Jay replied, smiling at her comment. "Just call me if you need me."

"Okay," she sighed contently.

"How are you feeling now? Do you need anything before I go?"

Erin smiled. "I feel the same as I did ten minutes ago when you asked me." As much as she didn't want him to be, the brunette couldn't help but find it cute how worried he became about her. He only frowned at her words. She sighed again, realising that he wouldn't be happy unless he was certain everything was alright. "I feel good." Erin knew that her attempts at reassuring him wouldn't do much good. It wasn't like he was going to believe her but she had to try anyway. "I'll feel even better after I'm out of the operating theatre and we start getting back to normal."

"Yeah, well it might be a while before that happens." Jay shook his head at his own words. He couldn't help but try and stop himself from thinking about the future. Their future. He wasn't ready. "One step at a time."

"One step at a time," Erin repeated.

Jay nodded. "And I'll be back before you even wake up."

"I know you will."

Adam cleared his throat suddenly, rising to his feet and moving away quickly from the pair. He stopped at the bottom of her bed, tapping the railing in an awkward rhythm and giving them a smile. "I'll just get you down there, Halstead." He realised that it was probably best to give them their privacy while they said goodbye to each other. The last thing that he wanted to do was be weird, sitting there and waiting for them to finish. "It was really good to see you, Erin."

"You too man," she replied, attempting to look down at where he was standing. She had clicked on to what he was doing as soon as he had moved. It was funny. It didn't matter how long her and Jay had been seeing each other, she always forgot that everyone else knew about them too. They kept their personal lives so separate from work that sometimes everyone else forgot about them too. Even when they were hanging out with the guys at Molly's they tried to keep PDA at a minimum. But at times like these they didn't care about that at all. "Really."

Ruzek smiled. "We're all thinking about you back at the district. A lot of people have been asking about you. When you're up for it I'm sure that there are a lot more people that are going to want to come and visit you."

"I'm looking forward to it."

The officer gave her a slight nod as he turned his back to open the door. It wasn't just a goodbye not. It was a comforting nod. It was a nod that told Erin that Adam was going to do his best to keep his word and stick to everything that they had spoken about. It was a nod that told her that Jay was going to be okay. Before he left, Adam took one final glance at the brunette. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was more than grateful.

The detectives watched as he disappeared into the corridor and out of sight. They both paused for a moment, looking back to each other for a few seconds before Jay broke the silence. "I should get going. I don't want to leave him waiting," he sighed. He didn't want to go. They both knew that he didn't want to go. There was nothing that Jay wanted more than to stay with her and to hold her hand until his girlfriend was wheeled away to surgery, but it was for the best that he went now.

"Jay," she replied suddenly. He could tell by her tone of voice that something wasn't right. Erin took a deep breath, leaving him in suspense. She wasn't sure how what she was going to say would go down. She didn't want it to lead to another argument or confrontation, but she wouldn't be happy unless she got it out. "Just don't do anything stupid."

"What?"

"Don't be reckless. Don't do anything stupid." He chuckled slightly at her words. He had thought that she was just apprehensive about him being out in the world, where anything could happen to him, after what had happened to her the previous night. His shoulders dropped at the words that left her mouth next. "Especially with Voight." He looked away from her for the first time since he had come out of the bathroom. "I know that you're mad at him for not coming to the hospital, but I'm not anymore so you shouldn't be either. You don't know him the way that I know him."

Jay frowned, his eyebrows plummeting intensely down. "How can you expect me to go back to the district and pretend that we're all one big happy family? It's not just about the hospital. It's about everything that went down last night. It's about the stuff that we-." Jay stopped himself. He didn't want to ask her about what had happened before she crashed. She already was facing paralysis, he didn't want to add more stress to the mix. He just knew that she knew a lot more than any of them did. "The stuff that I don't know about. He can't keep going around acting the way that he always does and expect us not to ask any questions. If he turns up and can't explain himself - I just don't know how I'm supposed to stop myself."

"You have to," she pleaded. "I need you both. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope..."

"You have me."

"Please Jay. Just do it for me."

He let out a long, deep breath and looked back to her. "I'll try."

She reached her hand out to meet his and held it lightly in her own. "Promise me."

"You don't know how proud I am of you." He squeezed her hand slightly in reassurance. He couldn't understand how she was holding herself together so well. He couldn't understand how she could forgive Voight so easily. He just knew that he would do anything that she wanted him to do. It was the least that he could do for her. Jay smiled at the thought. "You are amazing."

"Shut up," she chuckled, her face settling back into a worried expression. "I'm serious."

"I'm serious too, Er." He let go of her hand, moving it towards her face to pull a loose strand of hair back behind her ear. He let his hand rest on her cheek for a few seconds, their tired eyes meeting. "I am completely in love with you Erin Lindsay. You know that right?"

The novelty of hearing the words out loud hadn't even begun to wear off yet. There was still something about it that made butterflies flutter in her stomach though she wasn't sure whether or not it was just the incisions from her first surgery playing up. Either way, she wasn't going to get tired of it anytime soon. Erin gave him a lazy grin. "I know."

Jay leaned down slowly, placing a gentle kiss on her mouth. It was over far too quickly than either of them wanted it to be. He paused for a moment and let his forehead press carefully against her own before placing a final kiss on it and standing back up straight. "I'll see you soon."

"It's not like I'm going anywhere."

Erin watched as he slowly moved away from her. Jay snuck a few glances at his partner before he reached the door. It was as though they were both trying to drag out the moment for as long as they possibly could. He gave her a small, lopsided smile, much like the one he had given her when he had walked out of the bathroom earlier that morning. Each time that Jay prepared to leave the room, leave his partner, leave his girlfriend - he found it harder and harder to go. Without another word, he opened the door quickly and after looking back at the brunette one final time, he walked through and closed it behind him. Jay knew that if he left it much longer he would have changed his mind completely.

The silence was strange for her. It wasn't as though she wasn't used to it or anything. It was just that when Erin had been alone in the past few hours, she hadn't thought very much of it at all. Her mind had been so consumed with thoughts of her diagnosis and thoughts of Justin that even in the silence, there was so much noise surrounding her. It was the silence now that made her realise just how much she had been holding her true feelings in. With everyone finally gone, there wasn't anything to distract her from the quiet filling the room. In a way though, it was nice. It brought about a new sense of calmness that she was grateful for. Though Erin wasn't sure if it was just the painkillers. It didn't matter much to her.

She pressed one of the buttons that was resting by her uninjured hand and waited patiently for another wave of pain relief to wash over her body. She hadn't realised just how much she had been putting on a brave face for Adam when he had stopped by. She hadn't wanted to give him any more cause for concern that seeing her in her condition already would. Erin couldn't imagine how difficult it must have been for others to see her in the state that she was in. She hadn't seen herself yet but she could only imagine how she must have looked with all of the tubes and wires and newly formed bruises.

The last thing that she wanted to do was make Jay any more paranoid than he already was either. If she would have winced even slightly, then she was sure that he would have refused to leave her side at all. Erin just didn't want to worry anyone. She knew that she could take the pain though there was only so much that the morphine could do for her.

Her shoulder ached from the dislocation and she was desperate to move it from it's place - pressed tightly against her chest in a constricting sling. Her head still throbbed from the brightness of the lights surrounding her and the constant stimulation. The silence made her realise that too. The discomfort in her body was unlike anything that she had felt before but she didn't want to complain any more than she already had. Erin knew that there was far worse coming her way, and that it was better just to grit her teeth and bear it. Everything that she was feeling was only from the waist up anyway. There wasn't much that she could do to forget that detail.

Erin took a few deep breaths, pushing away the pain. Her mind drifted back to her partner though he had only just left. She couldn't help it. She wondered if he would remember to check out the kid that had crashed into her when he got back to the district. She knew that she should have asked Adam too. Jay may have left but Erin was certain that her partner's mind was still with her. She just didn't want Justin to get in any trouble. He was just a kid. Erin just wanted to know that he was okay. Life was too short to spend your life paying for stupid mistakes.

The brunette thought about texting Jay to remind him but she realised quickly that she didn't even know where her phone was. When she had been brought into the emergency room she had been taken out of her own clothes quickly. Or cut out of them. She couldn't even remember. All she knew was that she hadn't seen any of her belongings since. Erin just hoped that wherever they were, her cell phone would be right there too.

She didn't want to bother any of the nurses to ask about it. It wouldn't be long until they were back to prep her for surgery anyway. If they knew where her cell phone was, and it still had charge left in it, then she would at least send a quick text to Jay before her surgery to put his mind at ease.

It wasn't as though she could get up and look for it herself.

The door clicked open suddenly. Erin was too tired to try and look down. Her eyes were still struggling to stay open so they remained glued to the ceiling above her.

"Halstead," she smiled. "You know when I said that I wanted you to get out of here it was for a few hours, not a few minutes, right?"

Silence.

"Hey kiddo." A voice filled the room.

Erin's voice came out as no more than a whisper. "Hank."

 _ **Thank you for your support! What did everyone think of the first two episodes? I'm completely in love with Erin and Jay. As always, let me know what you think and what you want to see.**_


	8. Chapter 8

Jay's gaze hadn't faltered since they had drove out of the hospital parking lot. His eyes had been fixed out of the passenger side window before they had even moved out of the space. He had fastened his seatbelt without a single word and his eyes had drifted without a second thought. He didn't want to look at Adam and he didn't want Adam to be looking back at him with his own pitying eyes and the worried expression that he had seen too many times over the past day or so. The only person that Jay wanted to be looking at was his girl, but Erin was getting further away with each minute that passed.

The cars and building flew by them. Jay wasn't sure whether it was the speed of the car or his unfocused vision that was making them look the way that they did. It wasn't as though he was looking for anything out there in the streets in particular. The detective's mind was far too clouded with the thoughts of what he had left behind than the sights that were passing them by.

Adam was making the conscious effort to keep his own gaze fixed directly in front of him, between the stiff ten and two positions that his hands were in. His eyes were staying as glued to the road as they could but he couldn't help but sneak a few quick glances at his friend every few minutes. It had gotten to the point where he had just resigned himself to the driver's seat with very little optimism at all when it came to making a breakthrough with the other cop. Adam knew that there wasn't much more that he could say to Jay. Everything that could possibly have been said had already met the detective's ears. Adam didn't want to pile on any more.

The ride back from Chicago Med had never been a long one. Usually the conversation flowed a little easier. It meant that even on days when the traffic was particularly slow they weren't stuck twiddling their thumbs in silence for too long. It was the best day, the thought had entered Adam's mind, for the vehicles in front of them to start moving slower than ever.

Ruzek cleared his throat quietly. He couldn't go much longer with the silence dwelling like it was. He tapped the steering wheel a few times with each thumb. As much as he didn't want to disturb Jay, though a little conversation would have been nice, he couldn't help but be a little annoyed that his friend's concentration hadn't wavered even slightly. The detective hadn't moved an inch.

Neither of them were used to the feeling that had begun to envelope the car but it seemed as though Adam was the only one of them that was desperate to do something about it. Jay couldn't have cared less. He just wanted to get the day over with as quickly as he could.

The car rolled to a halt at yet another red light. Adam couldn't help but let out another slight groan as the silence became more noticeable again. "How about some music, man?"

The only reply that Jay gave him was a half hearted shrug. It was barely enough movement for Adam to catch but the younger man got the message loud and clear. Choosing what chart topping trash to play on the radio wasn't exactly very far up on the list of things that were consuming Jay's mind. Adam knew that as well as anyone but he couldn't help but at least try.

He scrunched his nose up slightly, his hand hovering over the volume control. He was debating whether or not to take the lack of protestation from Jay as permission to start fiddling with the buttons to his right before the car moved again.

Jay couldn't help but cringe as the sounds of processed pop filled the air around them both, his shoulders tensing immediately. Adam adjusted the volume slightly, switching the stations a few more times in a feeble attempt to find the lesser of many evils before the lights decided to change back to green again and they were stuck with some Lady Gaga remix.

"Stop," Jay said suddenly. His voice was barely louder than the radio but Adam's head snapped around immediately.

Adam frowned. The older man's voice had made his foot jolt to the brake below it. They had only just started moving again. He was just grateful that he hadn't slammed down on it. He was sure that the driver behind him would be grateful too. "What's wrong?"

"The station you were just on," he replied as though it were the most obvious answer in the world. Jay shifted slightly, turning his attention to his left and motioning to the stereo that was between them. "Go back a few stations." Adam nodded immediately. He didn't hesitate even slightly at what the detective asked of him. He wasn't going to knock his request back. It wasn't like there was much else that they were going to talk about. Erin wasn't going to drift into their conversation any time soon and they had never been the type to make small talk about the weather.

Adam recognised the song but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. It was like a song that he had heard someone else sing, but never the original version. It wasn't his usual taste. He had never been a big music guy in general. He'd listen to whatever was on around him but growing up he had always just listened to whatever his dad chose, and they never seemed to be so common these days.

He looked to Jay, noting how his friend relaxed slightly and let out a slow deep breath. Adam wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to say. He wasn't sure whether or not he should say anything at all. "It's a good song."

"It's one of Erin's favourites."

* * *

Hank wasn't sure what else he was supposed to say to her. His words had left his mouth with very little thought and a heavy feeling had settled deep within his chest. He knew that nothing he could have said to her would make up for what he had done. He just knew that he had to start somewhere. The first thing that his brain had latched onto was the nickname that he had given her the very first day that he had met her. He couldn't help but let it slip out.

He had seen a lot of people in far worse shape than Erin was after their own car wrecks. He had seen a lot of people that hadn't even been lucky enough to be hooked up to machines with the same wires and tubes that the brunette was. Hank should have been shocked at the sight but he was just grateful that he was seeing her alive at all. There were cuts and bruises littered all over her body, and a sling nestled close to her chest, but the fact that she was even conscious at all and that she didn't have a tube sticking down her throat was encouragement enough for him.

Jay's words had been echoing in her head from the moment that he laid eyes on her. Hank knew that he should have been there soon. He knew that there wasn't any excuse that he could make. The younger man hadn't given him a whole lot of information when he had stormed in and out of the district, but he had been told enough to gather that he had missed some of the hardest parts. Hank wasn't even sure what he would do if something had of happened to Erin and he hadn't had been there. He would never have forgiven himself.

He didn't want to think about the moment that they had brought her in. He didn't want to think about the chaos and the confusion that must have been surrounding her. He didn't want to think about the terror that Jay would have been left to feel by himself. It was terror that he should have been feeling too - standing in the ER with everyone moving frantically around him but feeling more alone that he ever had been. Hank had experienced enough of that with Justin to last him a lifetime, never mind a week, but if he could have gone back and changed things, and felt it again, he would have done it in a heartbeat.

He would by lying if he said that Justin's death wasn't the reason that he had avoided Erin and the hospital. He just didn't want to have to go through it again. He couldn't lose her too.

"How are you holding up?" Voight said finally, the words finding their way out of his mouth. His voice had shifted somewhat from its usual gruff tone. It was one that Erin wasn't used to, one that she hadn't heard in a long time. It was a softer one that he reserved only for times such as that. It made the brunette uneasy. Hank hesitated for a moment, unsure of whether or not it was okay for him to take a few steps closer to Erin. He wasn't sure whether or not she would even welcome him. He corrected his words quickly. "I know that's a stupid question to ask."

"It's fine," she replied. Her mouth was dry but she stopped herself from asking him for help. When she had been left by herself, even when she had been around everyone, thoughts of what she was going to say to Hank when he finally turned up had flooded her mind. One possibly sentence after another. They had drifted from hello's to confrontations, and everything in between. There had been so many things that she wanted to get off of her chest and so many questions that she wanted to ask him. But hearing his voice had thrown it all away. Her mind had gone blank. Completely. "I'm okay."

Voight bit his tongue. He had been expecting to be told to get out. He had been expecting some form of 'I hate you'. For a moment he had forgotten that she wasn't the scrawny kid that he had taken under his wing anymore. When he saw her lying there on the hospital bed, fragile and small, all he could think about was the times that fragile and small was all that she was.

He had spent so much time looking out for her. Like she was his kid. It pained him in a way, to admit that she wasn't anymore.

"Good."

Hank took a few steps towards her. They were slow and careful, just like all of his other movements had been. He wasn't sure why they felt like the first steps he was ever taking but he was trying to stop his legs from shaking ever so slightly, the entire time. He had stayed as calm and composed as he could when Justin had been brought in, but he didn't have much composure left in him to exude.

He lowered himself down onto one of the chairs that was by her bed. In those first few moments he struggled to look at her at all. As though he thought that if their eyes were to meet, it would make him crumble. He placed a hand gently only the bed next to her, hesitating for a second before resting his palm over the back of Erin's hand and squeezing it lightly. The older man couldn't help but notice the drip that was attached to her arm. It made him realise again that he wasn't the only one that was close to falling apart.

Neither of the pair moved. Erin glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. She was avoiding looking at him too. Her head was fuzzy and the last thing that she wanted to be doing was talking to Hank. She moved her arm away quickly, trying not to wince at the movement. The jerking motion forced Voight's eyes to dart upwards suddenly and worry settled behind them. He thought that something had been wrong but her expression told him a different story. Voight sat back in the chair as quickly as she had moved her hand, pulling his own away from her too.

"I didn't think that you were going to come." She focused her eyes on the other side of the room, though all she wanted to do was close them completely and get away from the conversation.

He took a deep breath, blowing it out again softly through his mouth. He knew that he had made a mistake. He just didn't know how he was supposed to fix it. "For a while I didn't think that I was going to show up either."

"But here you are."

"But here I am," Hank nodded, offering her a small smile before changing the subject. "So when are they thinking you'll get out of here, kid."

Erin looked back to him. She was as unsure of what to say next as he was. Jay hadn't told her a lot about his confrontation with the other man. She hadn't been told enough to decipher whether or not Hank knew the extent of her injuries. She wasn't sure whether or not he was just being optimistic and small talk-y for her sake, or whether he was just as clueless as he looked on the outside. The only thing that the brunette knew for sure was that she wasn't entirely ready to say it all out loud.

If she said it all out loud then it would be real.

"Y'know," Erin said. She bit her lip slightly before she started to speak again. It was now or never. She wasn't sure whether it was just the drugs that were playing tricks on her mind and making her want to spill her guts, or whether the feeling was genuine. Either way it wasn't something that she was going to ignore. "I was mad at you at first. Really mad. Jay was here and the guys had been here - everyone had been here. Except you. I want to be mad at you now too but the thing is, I just can't. With everything that's been happening-"

"Erin-"

"I know that I should be grateful now. I should be grateful that you're here at all but I'm not, and I can't help it," the brunette sighed. She was trying hard not to trip over her words as the older man looked away from her, his eyes falling down to his lap. "I'm not mad. I'm not happy. I'm not grateful. I'm just here. I've been here all night. Terrified. With no idea what was going to happened to me. But you weren't."

"I wasn't here," Voight replied, rubbing his jaw. He didn't need Erin to remind him of that.

"And I really needed you to be."

Hank nodded. He knew that he'd had that coming. He'd expected worse, but in all honestly Erin's words had hit him harder than any insult or curse word that could be thrown at him.

"I know that saying I'm sorry doesn't cut it," he said. "But it's all that I've got."

Erin scoffed. "At least you're right about one thing."

Hank leaned forward again, reaching a hand out like he had before. The brunette tried to move her arm away from him but he gripped her hand firmly before she had a chance to get away.

"I'm here now."

Erin shook her head slightly. He didn't know the half of it. "Even if I can't walk again?"

Voight frowned, his eyebrows furrowing down deeply. "What?"

She laughed slightly. The nerves rising in her chest forced the sounds to fall past her lips. Her stomach was twisting and turning worse than they had before. She knew that there wasn't any logical reason for her to be like that. It wasn't as though Voight would reprimand her for whatever she told him. It was her diagnosis. All she was doing was sharing it for the first of a thousand times. The thought of that didn't make the feeling in her belly go away any quicker.

"In the accident," Erin started, stopping almost immediately. It didn't sound right. There wasn't a good way to say any of it but the words were dancing around in her mouth, slipping out in a different way than she intended. She began to correct herself. "I have to have another surgery in a while. There's a fragment of fractured bone that's pressing against my spinal cord. They're going to - I don't really know what they're going to do but it's something with screws and plates." Erin took a breath. "I can't feel anything below the belt. I don't know if I ever will."

Hank shook his head in disbelief. "No."

The brunette smiled softly. "Getting through airport security is going to be a lot more interesting."

"Why didn't Halstead tell me? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Voight spat. "This is going to change everything. Think about your life. Your career. Everything you've working for."

"Thank you for the unnecessary reminder."

"What about the bastard that crashed into you? He's better be in the ICU because I swear to God, when I'm done with him he's going to wish that he was."

Erin let out a long breath. She was trying to keep her composure as best as possible as the older man started to lose his. "He's just a kid, Hank."

"I don't care what age he is," he replied sharply. "I don't care who he is. I don't care where he comes from. I don't care if he sits front and centre at church every week. He's not walking away from this. He doesn't get to just forget about this."

"He's not going to. Trust me."

"Erin-"

"Hank," she replied, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

"He doesn't get to walk away from this and let you pay for his mistakes. It's not a parking ticket, Erin. It's the rest of your life."

Erin scoffed. "I don't think that you're in the best position to be talking about mistakes right now." Hank frowned again at her words. He couldn't believe that she was so calm about it all. "Please. Just leave it. I've got enough on my plate. I don't need to be worrying about you too."

She couldn't help but think about the events of the previous night before the crash. Everything that had happened with Hank. She was surprised that he hadn't brought it up at all. She had figured that was going to be the first thing on his agenda - making sure their stories were straight in case anyone came knocking at their doors. But nothing.

* * *

His mind was wandering again. It had been in the car and it hadn't stopped as he walked into the district. All that he wanted to do was make a beeline for the couch in the kitchen, make a decent cup of copy and wait until enough time had passed that he could get away with sneaking back to the hospital. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't want to get involved with any cases. He didn't even want to sit behind his desk. He knew that he would be distracted far too easily with whatever was on it and end up spending more time than intended at the district. He especially didn't want to see his boss' face anywhere never his own.

Jay had almost walked past Platt altogether. Her head was buried deep and her eyes were glued firmly to the screen of the computer in front of her. He hadn't even seen her as he walked by. He had been following Adam's footsteps toward the stairs and was a little way away from her when he had decided to turn back.

It was the least that he could do.

"Hey Serg," he said, plastering a small smile onto his face.

She didn't raise her head at first, being her usual self. For a moment as she finally looked up to him, her face was the same as it always was. Her hardened expression was the only thing that greeted him. It softened considerably as a look of realisation came over her. "Halstead." She pulled off her glasses and leaned forward towards him. "Shouldn't you be with Erin? Why are you here?"

"I promised that I would keep you updated," Jay replied. He could see a hint of something else in her expression as he continued to speak but he couldn't quite place what it was. "She's awake. Making conversation. Even joking a little." Platt smiled slightly at the image. "But otherwise it's not looking so good. She has to go back in for another surgery in a while. That's the only reason that I'm here. She made me go. Thought I needed to spend a little time outside of her hospital room even though it's not even been a full day since the accident."

Her expression hardened again as she ignored his joking tone. "Surgery?"

Jay took a deep breath. Telling people wasn't getting any easier. "She's broken her back. She might not be able to walk again."

Platt nodded slowly and attempted to compose herself, just as she had done the first time they had spoken about the accident. "She'll pull through. She's a fighter."

"Yeah," Jay chuckled. "That she is."

"Tell her that I'm thinking about her, will you? We all are."

He nodded. "I know that she'll appreciate it, Serg."

Their conversation ended swiftly as Platt returned to her computer. Jay still struggled to get used to seeing that side of the older woman. It was strange but yet it was somewhat endearing at the same time. It was unsettling, that was for sure, but he knew that her heart was in the right place. Erin would definitely appreciate the sentiment. He hadn't been lying about that much.

The bullpen was in full swing as he walked up the stairs though he attempted to divert his gaze away from the whiteboard that Antonio was standing in front of. Ruzek was already sitting behind his desk. The younger man had left him as he had started to talk to the desk sergeant. The feeling of all of the eyes in the room turning to him as he appeared was almost as unsettling as Platt's behaviour had been.

 **This was such a tricky chapter to write. Especially with two and a half hours sleep, but I got there eventually.**

 **As always, I'm incredibly grateful for your support and I look forward to feedback.**


	9. Chapter 9

He didn't know why, but Jay couldn't get the memory of him and Erin at Lollapalooza out of his head. It was probably because of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' song that was playing in the car. It had been stuck in his head every since it had come on too. It was rare that they got enough time off work to go do something like that. They'd made a day out of it. It had always been one of his favourite memories of theirs - when they had seen them play live. It wasn't just because of the band though. The music and the atmosphere had very little to do with any of it. It was how excited Erin had been that meant the most to him. It always made him smile. Even now.

Especially now.

He could remember surprising her with the tickets as soon as he saw the lineup. Usually they prefered to spend their time off chilling with movies or going out for a few drinks. They never tended to go out of their way to do things like that, but it had been a slow morning for everyone and their heads had been buried deep in more paperwork that the eye could see. He figured that it was the best way to cheer Erin up. And it was.

Jay had pathetically tried to hide his excitement over the tickets but Erin had seen right through it. It was like she had some radar that could sense his goofy grin from a mile away, nevermind from across her desk. That alone had cheered her up.

"Halstead," a voice said. It cut through the memory and brought him back to reality. All that he wanted to do was ignore it. "Do you want to grab some lunch?"

Jay looked up. Atwater was hovering over his desk. He felt like hitting him for disturbing him. It was the first time since the night before that his thoughts had settled and he had managed to focus properly on something that wasn't what was happening with Erin. Not that he didn't care. His mind just needed a little respite. Staying consumed in that memory for as long as he possibly could seemed like the perfect way to be doing it. It was only things like that, that were going to get him through the wait.

He didn't want to do any work. He didn't want to speak to anyone. He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to be there with her. He had almost forgotten about that nagging desire before he had been so rudely interrupted.

Jay thought for a moment. He knew what he wanted to say, but he forced himself to say the opposite. "I'll go. The fresh air will do me some good."

Ruzek sat up in his chair suddenly. He hadn't been doing much of the work that he was supposed to have been doing. Jay could tell that much and he had barely looked up at him. Ruzek's eyes however, had been burning holes in Jay's skull for hours. Jay could tell that without looking too. "I'll come with you man."

"Nah, don't worry about it." Jay replied quickly. "I've not eaten in hours and waiting here for one of you guys to come back would drive me crazy. Besides, I need some quiet."

He knew that it was a pathetic attempt at an excuse. He would honestly have been surprised if any of the other guys bought it, but he knew that he had to at least try. The only thing that he hadn't counted on was how hungry he actually was too. He'd had countless cups of coffee throughout the night and it had seemingly suppressed his appetite, not to mention the fact that he had been far too consumed by how his partner was doing to worry about filling his stomach. It was only really when Atwater mentioned it that it started to ache for food.

He could practically see the cogs in Adam's brain spinning. Jay knew that if it were him, he sure as hell wouldn't be letting him go off alone. "I mean, if you sure man."

"I'll be back before you even realise that I'm gone," Jay said with a smile. He knew the perfect way to convince him. "Burritos?"

"Now you are talking," Atwater grinned, returning back to his own desk. He was oblivious to Adam's apprehension. Jay was grateful. The last thing that he needed was for him to be joining in.

Ruzek was still looking at him funny. The same questioning expression was lingering on his face and Jay had to make sure that his own didn't become evident. He knew that the younger cop had every reason to be hesitant but he couldn't help but be a little frustrated. He didn't like being babysat. He knew that they were best friends though. They knew each other. On top of that, Jay was certain that Erin had probably been saying all sorts to him while he had been getting changed in the bathroom. Whatever she had told him was still turning with the cogs.

Adam's eyes met him, searching for a trace of the truth, and they both paused. Jay was ready to open him mouth again and find some way to reassure his friend but before he could, Adam beat him to it. A lopsided grin spread across his face as though nothing had been wrong at all. It almost freaked Jay out a little but he went with it anyway. "Can't turn that down. Burritos are the food of the Gods. I'm in for sure."

Jay nodded happily, returning the smile. "Your wish is my command." He pushed himself up from his chair, wincing slightly at his muscles stretched. He had been stuck in that chair for a couple of hours with no attempts to move. He always learned his lesson the hard way. He grabbed his hoodie from the back of the chair, pulling it on and taking a few quick steps towards the stairs. He was just eager to get going before Adam changed his mind about letting him go alone. He was almost at the door when he had to stop. He had completely forgotten. He turned back to where he had come from, raising his voice. "Um, Ruzek? Can I borrow your car?"

* * *

It didn't take long at all for the conversation to start taking a better turn. The hostility that had filled the room previously was almost forgotten about entirely. The tension had filtered out like water down a drain. It was always the way it was with Erin and Voight. There would be times in their relationship that were tougher than other but they always made up in the end. It didn't matter whether it was an hour later or a month later, there was just no other way about it for them.

Any outsider wouldn't have thought that something had been wrong. It was as though they both thought everything was absolutely fine too. Erin knew deep down that it wasn't though. She would never admit that to the older man though. She didn't want to start stirring up things that had only just settled. Not now.

"I was thinking that you should come and stay with me for a while," he said, his voice bouncing against the walls all of a sudden. Erin had just started to get used to the quiet again. "When you get out of here."

She knew that it wasn't going to be as black and white as it sounded. She just didn't know whether or not it the older man saw things the same way. He had too. "It'll be a while before anyone has to be worrying about that." It was true. Erin knew that everything was going to change. She was going to have to get used to the phrase 'one step at a time'. She was going to have to adjust. She was going to have to compromise. She was going to have to realise that nothing would ever be the same, whether she was ready for that or not.

He just smiled. Her statement had drifted in one ear and straight out the other. "It would be nice to have you back around the house again. It would be more ideal if it were under better circumstances but you know that you're always welcome, kid. Always."

Erin thought back to when she had last come to stay. It had been more than a few months ago. In all fairness it wasn't as though it had been entirely her decision. As much as she had been willing to make the effort and regain his trust - as much as she had wanted to earn her place on the team back more than anything else - every moment that she spent in the house that used to be her own home killed her slowly. It just reminded her of how badly she had fucked it all up during her 'sabbatical'. If that's what they were calling it.

Every single morning she would wake up inside four walls that weren't hers and all she would think about was how much freedom she had lost. It sounded stupid. It was stupid. She couldn't help it. The more time that she spent there, the more she felt the metaphorical noose around her neck tightening. Only this time it would be medication and constant babysitting, instead of random drug tests and judgement.

It didn't matter that she had pulled it all together since then. It didn't matter that she had changed. It didn't matter that she would be confined to the house and under his watchful eye for a completely different reason this time. None of that mattered at all. Erin just wasn't sure whether or not she could do it all over again. She knew that the road to recovery was a long one, and she knew that there wasn't a chance in hell that she would be able to do it alone. She just wasn't sure whether or not she could do it with Voight.

She could feel the lies starting to bubble from inside of her. She wanted to tell the truth. She really did. It just wasn't coming out like she intended. "I've been thinking about all of that. Jay-"

"I couldn't care less about what Halstead has to say about it all," he sighed, cutting her off completely. Erin huffed. They weren't going to get anywhere. "You're not staying by yourself."

"Hank..."

He looked at her as though she had just swung for his car with a baseball bat. "That isn't happening Erin." Hank shook his head rapidly, folding his arms tightly across his chest while he did it. He had never been one to jump so quickly to conclusions. She wasn't entirely pleased with him starting know. "Do you know how crazy that idea is? It's not even an idea. It's not happening. You know that as well as I do."

Here it went. The lie. She was happy with it as long as it would shut him up. "Actually, I think I'm going to stay with Jay."

"What?"

Regret.

Her words were tripping over themselves. The brunette could practically feel the letters getting lodged in her throat one by one. "I mean...nothing's decided."

Regret. Regret. Regret.

Erin watched him carefully. His eyes fell slowly down to his lap and away from her. She could practically see the thoughts in his mind crashing into each other and the cogs struggling to turn. In all the years that Erin had known Hank, she had yet to work out what she was supposed to expect from his silence. The only thing that she could take from experience was the knowledge that it only ever went one of two ways. She always tended to brace herself for the worst one.

His eyes flickered up momentarily. They met her own for less than a second before darting away again and focusing on something outside the window that she couldn't see from where she was lying. "And that's what you want?"

Erin hadn't expected calm. Sure, Voight had always been there for her when she needed a level head to reason with her, or to give her advice, but when it came to problems in his own life he tended to jump the gun more often than not. Especially with his kids. Assuming that he seen her as his kid as much as she did herself. Erin went with it nevertheless.

As one worry faded away, another rose to the surface. Typical. Erin couldn't help but panic a little about what Jay would say to it all. She had no idea how he would react. After all, he had been great for her - to her. He had done more for her in the last twenty four hours than she could have ever asked for. Erin almost didn't know how she was supposed to cope with it all. Especially on top of the circumstances. She had encounter far more bad people than good in her life. It was always a shock when the latter started to shine through.

The thing was though, Jay would say that everything was absolutely fine even when it absolutely wasn't. He would tell her that he was cool with all the pressure and that it didn't bother him in the slightest. That was just the type of person that he was. It just wasn't something that Erin could ever be cool with. It was just too much.

"I mean," she replied. She had already lied to Voight about it. "Yeah."

Erin wasn't sure how she was supposed to bring it up to Jay. What could she possible say to him? Nobody had ever taught her how to ask her sort-of-boyfriend to look after her during the recovery from her possible life altering paralysis. It seemed like it was something that was reserved for way, way beyond just a handful of official dates and their first 'I love you'. It wasn't something that she could just blurt out in the middle of a conversation.

"Okay."

"Okay?" the brunette questioned.

There was no way that it was this easy.

"You're a grown woman," the older man said, giving her a small smile in return. "It's your decision."

Erin hesitated for a moment. She was torn. It would break Hank's heart to know that she had been lying to him, but he had accepted the 'truth' so easily. Erin was almost grateful. Something just didn't sit right with her about it though. Maybe it was because she disliked lying to him so much. She always had. Even at her age now, the small gestures of trust meant the world to her. Was lying for it worth it?

"Thank you."

Voight hesitated too. He thought carefully for a moment about his choice of words before he opened his mouth to speak again. "There's something that I've been wanting to bring up to you too."

Her heart sunk. Sentences like that never led on to conversations that ended well. She smiled. It wasn't like she could say no to him though the word was hard to push out. "Sure."

He scratched his chin, buying himself an extra moment. "Do you remember everything that happened before you crashed?"

She cut in quickly. "Are we talking before or after I found you forcing a man to dig his own grave?"

"Erin," Voight sighed. "I had to do that."

"You didn't have to do anything at all."

"I wouldn't have been able to live with myself," the older man shook his head.

"You should have walked away."

"Just like you did?" Voight scoffed, but his expression soften immediately. He realised what he had said. "Erin-"

"That's the only reason you came. To cover your tracks," she said. "Isn't it?"

Voight couldn't stop his voice from raising. "You know that's not true. I just want to make sure-"

"You just want to make sure that I don't say anything you don't want me to." Erin could feel a tightness in her chest. It was as though her windpipe was shriveling up. Her throat was screaming.

"I just want to get our stories straight before Commander Crowley starts poking her nose around."

"You want to save your own skin," Erin said, her voice practically a whisper. She brought her uninjured hand to her chest. It was like nothing was working. Like her body was giving up on itself. "It's all you ever want to do."

He turned his back, walking a few steps away from her. "No, Erin."

He wasn't looking at her. It was like someone was pressing down on her, forcing all of the oxygen to leave her system. "Hank..."

She needed him to turn around. "It's fine. I can put her off for a few days."

"Hank, I can't breathe."

* * *

The familiarity of the hospital was welcoming. Jay couldn't resist the urge to stop by. He knew from the moment that he suggested getting everyone lunch that it was the first place he would go. Even the hunger that was aching in his own stomach couldn't have stopped him. He was going to get the burritos. Definitely. He was just going to get them once he had seen her again. He wanted to be with her before she went back into surgery.

He was walking quickly. His strides were long and determined. It was one of the only times that he had ever really wanted to be there. Though, the only time that he had ever walked quicker was when he had found out that Erin was there in the first place.

"Jay?" a voice questioned from behind him. "What are you doing back here?"

Jay sighed. The last thing that he wanted was for someone to start talking to him, for someone to start scratching seconds off of the time that he was supposed to be spending with Erin. He turned around despite his unwillingness. "Will?"

His brother was a few paces behind him. Jay could see his confusion immediately. It was all over him like a slap to the face. "What are you doing here?"

He could take any more of his brother's lectures. He knew that if he told the younger man the truth then all he would do would be trying to convince Jay not to do it. And Jay didn't want to be convinced of anything. "Erin wanted me to find out how the kid in the other car was doing."

"You should have just called," Will replied, not entirely believing the detective's lie. "Would have saved you the journey."

"I was on my way to get lunch for the team anyway," Jay continued. "Thought I'd just drop in."

Will nodded. "Well, I can try and find out for you. Let you know when you come back for Erin later."

Jay took this as an opportunity to start asking questions. It wasn't as though he had been the one to bring her up in conversation. "How's she doing?"

Will checked his watch. "She'll be heading in for surgery soon."

"Good."

"I think Voight's up there with her now."

Jay didn't hesitate. He didn't care about the details. He barely waiting for the final syllables to leave his brother's mouth before he turned away from him, running until he found the stairs. He didn't have to think twice. There wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to be okay with Hank being there. He couldn't let the older man just stroll in there and visit her now that it suited him better. Jay didn't care that it was his boss. He didn't care that he was pretty much the closest thing that Erin had to a father right now. It wasn't happening. Not while Jay was there to stop it.

The older man was the first thing that Jay saw as he turned the corner. His eyes locked in on him. It was as though everything else was blurred out completely. It wasn't like anything else mattered as much as Erin did anyway.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jay spat, walking straight up to him.

"I just wanted to see here," Voight replied. He was more calm that Jay had expected him to be. He brought his hands up in front of him, palms facing out towards Jay. Surrender.

"You have no right."

"I have every right."

"No." Jay shook his head. "You lost that the minute that you decided you'd rather be somewhere else. When you decided to stay at the district while she-" He exhaled sharply, gathering her thoughts. "While Erin lay on that bed. While Erin was terrified. While Erin needed you."

Voight sighed. "Watch yourself, Halstead. Don't say something that you're going to regret. I don't care about the circumstances." It wasn't a threat. The older man was as shaken up by what had happened with Erin in the minutes before Jay arrived, as Jay would have been if he were there. He just didn't know what else he was supposed to say.

"If you don't leave, I'm going to do something that I won't regret." That was a threat.

The older man nodded slowly. He didn't want to keep anything going. For Erin's sake more than his own.

"Okay."

He watched as the older man turned and walked away from him, leaving in the same direction that Jay himself had come from.

There was a nurse a few feet away from him. She was younger than him. The look on her face told him that she wasn't entirely familiar with situations like that. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Can I go in?" Jay asked, taking a few steps towards Erin's door. He wasn't expecting a reply, he wasn't waiting for a reply, but the nurse nodded anyway.

Even then, he paused. He had to give himself a second. He didn't want to go back in there with the weight of what had just happened on his shoulders. He didn't want to go back in there and make her feel like any of it was her fault. There must have been some reason that Voight had been pacing outside of her room. Something must have happened.

He took a careful breath. In through the nose. Out through the mouth.

He opened the door of her room. In through the nose. Out through the mouth.

Jay knew that she hadn't been in the hospital for long at all, though it felt like weeks, but he still struggled immensely when it came to getting used to her wearing an oxygen mask. It was as though even though he knew everything that had been going on, his brain had yet to put two and two together, and every time that it worked out what was strapped to her head it went into a frenzy.

"We've gotta stop meeting like this, Halstead," Erin said, giving him a small lopsided smile.

He knew as well as she did that it was all a front. There had been a second in between him walking into the room and Erin figuring out who was there, that pain on her face had been evident. It was only when the realization had hit her that her expression flickered to happiness. Jay couldn't help but feel a tinge of guilt. He hated the fact that she felt she had to put on a brave face when he was around. It wasn't like he was going to think any less of her because of it.

It didn't matter how much he assured her that it was okay to let her walls fall down a little. It didn't matter how much she assured him that she was going to try harder to do it.

Jay wasn't sure that Erin ever would. And it killed him.

"I don't know, Lindsay," he smirked, joking just as she had. It wasn't the best time for the conversation to be taking a serious turn. He wasn't going to be the one to force it on them. "It's a nice change from our usual break room coffee exchanges."

She pulled away the mask momentarily. "Maybe you're right about that."

He took a few quick steps towards her, placing his hand gently over hers and guiding the mask back to where it was supposed to be. He let his hand stay there and leaned down, placing a careful kiss on her forehead. His lips lingered for a second or two. Erin closed her eyes. It was all the comfort that they both needed. "You can't keep doing this to me." His voice mumbled against her face, tickling her skin as his warm breath hit it. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it," the brunette replied quickly. "It was stupid. I was stupid. I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over nothing."

He nodded. He didn't want to push the subject. "It's okay. You don't have to explain anything to me if you don't want to."

"The doctor said it was just a panic attack," Erin said. "Something like that anyway."

"The important thing is that you're okay," he smiled. He didn't to push the subject and ask questions. "I don't think I could deal with anything else."

She smiled back softly. "You're not the only one."

Jay smirked. "You know, I'm supposed to be getting the guys burritos right now."

The change of subject made her relax slightly, she was grateful for it. Erin groaned. "I would kill for one of those right now."

"Sounds like our first stop when you get out of here."

"I'll hold you to that."

 _ **I'm beyond sick right now guys, but I'm powering on. Winter sucks. But there are people with far bigger problems than mines. America, I'm praying for your country.**_

 _ **As always, let me know what you think and what you want to see. Your feedback is really keeping me going while I'm stuck in bed all day.**_


	10. Chapter 10

Erin knew from the start that having to stay in the hospital for so long was going to be one hell of a struggle for her. It would be for anyone, but given how much that she was missing her work - it was a killer. It had only been a week or so since the accident had happened but all that the detective could seem to focus on was the prospect of getting back out on the field. Everybody else only wanted her to focus on her recovery. It was infuriating. She would have taken a mountain of paperwork any day if it meant that she was able to spend a little time away from the bed that she was stuck in. It didn't have to be a long time. Just something that would stop her from going crazy. Erin never thought that she would miss it this much. It was only temporary though. She knew that. At least, that was what the brunette kept telling herself. The only thing that was standing in her way, ironically, was her legs.

She couldn't think about the negative for too long. Erin knew from past experience how easy it was to get herself into a downward spiral, and that wasn't where she wanted to be. If she thought about it for too long then her thoughts would only turn sour, and the only thing that would fill her mind would be the possibility of her not coming back to the unit at all. That was far more than she could stomach. She knew that she couldn't be replaced easily. Erin almost felt like an asshole just for thinking it but it was true. As much as she hated it when someone called her it, she was Hank Voight's golden girl. There would always be a place for her on his team - he had made that abundantly clear from the very moment that she had stepped foot into the intelligence unit. It didn't mean that there wouldn't be someone else in her place while she was recovering though. It was stupid of her to be jealous. Erin knew that. She just couldn't help it.

There wasn't a whole lot for her to concentrate on being happy about though. She had begun to feel a little more below the waist with every day that passed her by in Med but it wasn't like there was much going on down there even so. Erin was beginning to be grateful for every small twinge or ache that she felt in her legs, she would take anything that she could get, but she didn't want to get her hopes up too high. She had fallen down from up there too many times - but it was better than nothing at all.

There had been a little talk that she was going to meet with her physiotherapist soon but it wasn't much to go on. At least not as much as Erin wanted. She could never managed to haggle a few words out of anyone about it. She was always met with a 'we'll see how you're doing tomorrow' or a 'let's just take one day at a time' on the other side of every question that she asked. The brunette decided to give it to the end of the week. If nothing had started by then, then she would kick up whatever fuss was needed to get something done. The way that Erin saw it, the sooner that she started her therapy, the soon that she would be able to get out of the hospital and back to some sort of normality. If she could get back to normal.

It wasn't all bad. Things would be a lot harder if she were stuck by herself every single day. Sure, the past week had dragged in one hour at a time but she had only made things worse for herself by keeping her eyes glued to the clock above her door. Erin had already caught herself, on more than one occasion, praying to whatever God would listen that the district would be quiet. A quiet week always meant that the days were a little shorter for the unit, and if the days were shorter then Jay was more likely to be allowed to get off early and stop by to visit her. Even if he brought a pile of paperwork in tow. The brunette felt terrible that she was relying on his company the way that she was but it was one of the only things that was keeping her going, one of the only real things that she had to look forward to. Jay had been great. Spectacular, even. He was doing far more than Erin would ever feel comfortable asking of him, but he would never let her protest long enough for it to make a difference. He had been switching between sleeping on a cot beside her bed (an uncomfortable looking army bed with a makeshift mattress on top that the nurse's had brought in), falling asleep on one of the hospital chairs on each side of her, and going home to his own place - though it had taken Erin a fair amount of persistent nagging for him even to consider doing the latter. Jay's stubbornness rivalled her own at times.

Trying to get Jay to go to work most days was even more of a struggle but he had eventually caved. Erin didn't want him to be using up any more of his personal days or holidays on her, as much as she desperately wanted him too. It wasn't like he hadn't offered, and they both knew that Voight would be more than lenient with him, but Erin had turned him down swiftly. Just because she was stuck in Med didn't mean that he always had to be too.

Erin'd had a few other visitors as the week had gone on but Jay...well, Jay was Jay.

The other guys had stopped by to see how she was doing not long after she'd had her spinal surgery. She knew that they wouldn't have waited long. Erin wouldn't have either if she had been in their shoes. It had cheered her up just as much as she had expected it too, regardless of how drowsy and doped up she was. They always managed to put some sort of smile on her face. Erin wasn't technically supposed to have so many people in her room at the one time, especially so soon, and she was more than certain that they had broken at least a couple more of the hospital's rules on top of that - but as per usual, they always managed to get away with it somehow.

As much as it was good to see some familiar faces and hear some supportive words, it was strange. It was like a little bit of life from the outside world had been injected into her room in an instant, but the conversations seemed to fizzle out before they had even really started - taking the traces of normalcy with them. When they were all at the bar or trying to kill some time at the district in between cases, though the latter was rare, it was never that hard for them to find something to talk about and even if they couldn't, a comfortable silence would settle and there would be no pressure. It had been hard enough to squeeze some conversation out of Ruzek when he'd stopped by for Jay let alone everyone else. It was like as soon as they saw the wires and machines around her their words got lost somewhere in their thoughts. Nobody wanted to acknowledge the elephant in the room or ask how she really was doing. Nobody wanted to know the prognosis. Like it was some dirty question on the tip of their tongues, aching to get out. Nobody wanted to ask if she was paralysed for good.

A part of Erin was relieved. It was a question she didn't want to answer.

It was different with Burgess and Platt though. Kim had visited her a handful of times after she had finished her shifts but yesterday she had arrived with a care package of trashy magazines and chocolate in hand, and the cheeriest demeanor that Erin was sure she'd ever seen in her entire life. It was a little unsettling at first, and the detective had definitely been taken aback, but she couldn't help but be grateful for the effort that had been made for her. Much to Erin's dismay, however, all it seemed Kim wanted to do was fuss over her. There was only so much pillow fluffing that Erin could take. She knew that the younger woman's heart was in the right place though.

Platt, on the other hand, was a whole other experience in itself. Not that she had expected anything less of her desk sergeant. She had visited a couple of days ago for an hour or so. Erin had always known that she was Platt's favourite - it was plain for anyone in the district to see, and even a little weird at times, but it would be weirder if she hadn't stopped by at all. The older woman could be hostile at the best of times but she'd always had a soft spot for the brunette. It was almost nice. They had made a little small talk at first but that had been pushed to the side quickly and replaced with a more serious topic of conversation. It hadn't been the most comfortable of afternoons, but for the first time someone wasn't babying her or treating her like a victim. Erin hadn't realised how much she had needed to talk about her diagnosis with someone that wasn't a doctor, or whose voice was laced with words that she didn't quite understand, or Jay, whose eyes were filled only with pity when they met hers. Platt had even given her a hug when she had left. It was sort of comforting.

Erin couldn't shake the thought that was in the back of her head though, the thought that everyone was visiting her as though it were to say goodbye. Like she were dying or something.

Voight hadn't come back yet. Not that she had really expected to see him standing at her door again anytime soon. The first and only time he had been to visit was the day after she had been brought in and it hadn't exactly ended well for either of them. It wasn't the first panic attack that Erin had ever had, not by a long shot, but it was the first one that she'd had since dealing with Nadia's death. They were just as bad as she remembered them being - and she still hated them with a burning passion. Erin knew that if the older man hadn't been talking the way that he had been talking, about what had happened down by the silos that night, then she would have been absolutely fine. It made her thoughts build up and up until there was nowhere for them to go, and her mind was filled with Justin and everything that had gone wrong in the past few weeks, and there was nothing that she could do. She just panicked.

Erin had thought about giving Hank a call more than a few times, to talk things over and clear the air, but every time that she had picked up the phone, she'd frozen.

The brunette knew that Jay wouldn't exactly be happy if he knew that she had contacted their boss. She hadn't even bothered asking him to pass on any messages for her, the sinking suspicion littering her mind that the message might not reach its destination if left to him. It wasn't like Erin cared what Jay thought when it came to her relationship with Hank. She knew that he had been the one that sent Voight home and though she had been okay with it at the time, Erin couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of regret in her stomach when she thought back on it now. It didn't matter to her that Jay was still angry with him. All that Erin wanted to do was make amends.

She never thought that she'd be the first one to take the high road.

"Hey, good lookin'," Jay's voice rang out from the other side of the room, dragging Erin straight out of her thoughts and back into the reality that was waiting for her. Her eyes had been fixed to the ceiling for however long that her mind had been consumed with the memories of her friends, and she hadn't even noticed that the door was open. She wasn't even sure that she had blinked in all of that time let alone anything else. In fairness, it couldn't all be blamed on the fact that Erin hadn't been paying attention. Her line of sight was fairly restricted considering that she was stuck lying on her back for the foreseeable.

Erin couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face at the sound of her partner's voice. It was sing-songy and all too cheery for the occasion, and even a little suspicious, but she was just happy to hear his voice. Jay's eyes met her own as he took a few striding steps towards her bed. He didn't look half as tired as he had a few days ago. Erin was glad of that, for his sake - exhaustion had never been a good look for him. She'd told herself that at least if she were the one to send him home, then her conscious would be clear if he decided to stay up until the early hours of the morning of his own accord. She would rather he got a full eight hours though.

"Why do you look like the cat that got the cream?"

"No reason," Jay smiled back. "Have you been awake for long?"

Daytime naps had never been much of a habit for Erin. She'd never had the time. She was pretty sure that nobody that had worked in her unit ever had either. The brunette was happy to take full advantage of them while she was in the hospital though. It wasn't like there was much else for her to do during the day anyway. She was already sick of the daytime television that the cable had to offer - not that she'd ever been a big fan of it before. The surgeries had taken it out of her though, not to mention the drowsiness from painkillers that she was given. Erin hadn't been as tired as this for a long time.

"For a few hours. They took me for a scan earlier," Erin replied, ignoring the slightly panicked look that had begun to take over Jay's face and continuing on. "You're early today. Did Voight let you off early today or are you still not talking to him?"

"He let me off early," he replied, giving her a look that told her that she was better off dropping it.

She didn't. "So you're on speaking terms at least, now?"

Jay ignored her question as she had his expression, though it had now changed and a frown was settling slowly over his face. "Why did they take you for a scan?"

"Something about post-surgery precautions. To be honest I'm not sure. Everything is fine though."

Jay knew that it was stupid of him to be so paranoid but he had gotten used to the sinking feeling over the past few days whenever he was in Med. He just wanted everything to be okay. Desperately. "There are for you." He brought a hand out from behind his back. Jay had almost forgotten that he had been holding onto the small bunch of flowers. He knew that Erin had never been much of a flower type of girl, but that only meant that the novelty would never wear off when she did appreciate them.

"Daisies," Erin let a small grin escape onto her lips, taken aback. "How did you know..."

"How did I know what?"

"That they're my favourites."

Jay smirked. There was a part of him that wished that he had made more of an effort with them. They weren't anything extravagant, or special. He'd only picked him up quickly on his way over to the hospital. Erin deserved the best. Especially now. "I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."

"Thank you," she said. "You really didn't have to."

He replied with a shrug. "Don't mention it."

It was Erin's turn to smirk back at her partner. "So you've still not spoken to Voight then, huh?"

"He's spoken to me," Jay sighed. He wished that she would just drop the subject all together. "That's gotta count for something, does it not?"

Erin tilted her head slightly, the smirk slipping away almost all at once. "Jay..."

"C'mon Er, it's been a long day." He took the flowers from her, placing them next to the vase at the side of her bed. There were still a bunch in them from some visitor or another that had come before him, though he wasn't sure who, but he didn't want to pull them from their place. He would find another vase in a while. "I've been looking forward to seeing you all day. The last thing that I want to talk about is Hank Voight."

The brunette sighed. She didn't have the energy to push it any further. "Okay."

Jay licked his lips, pausing for a moment. He wasn't sure what to say next - how to change the subject. As much as he'd been thinking about Erin all day, it was as though his mind had gone completely blank the moment that there was silence between him and his girlfriend. The brunette tugged his fingers lightly, pulling him towards her. Jay took that as his cue, leaning over and placing a long, slow kiss on her lips. She moved her hand away from his and up to his head, letting her fingers run through his hair before they settled on the back of his neck. For a second, Jay felt selfish for wishing that Erin was better. He knew that he wasn't thinking it for the right reasons.

Erin let out a breath as their lips disconnected. Their foreheads touched for a few more seconds.

"Love you."

"I love you too," Jay whispered, leaning back again and sitting down.

"And it's because I love you so much that I'm about to let you make the most important decision of my day."

Jay raised an eyebrow confusedly. "What would that be?"

Erin looked at him with faux sincerity. "Do you want to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta or Orange County?"

He grinned. "Now that is an important question."

* * *

Jay couldn't help it. It seemed like whenever Erin fell asleep now, he always caught himself watching her chest move up and down and up and down. As if, subconsciously, he were scared that the calm rhythm might cease to exist if he weren't watching. As if he were worried that if he looked away she might disappear. The detective knew that his partner was doing okay right now. She was in the best hands that she could possibly be in and there were people all over the hospital - hell, all over Chicago - looking out for her. Jay just couldn't shake it. It had taken a few days for him to get used to the routine, to come round to the thought that maybe things weren't going to be the same.

He had turned over in bed one morning and reached his arm over, only for it to meet cold sheets and Erin's empty side of the mattress.

It hadn't taken long at all for Erin to drift off after their conversation. As soon as the commercials had hit the screen in between the re run they were watching of Wheel of Fortune, she had closed her eyes and Jay had found himself talking to himself all of a sudden. He couldn't blame her. He was exhausted enough and he wasn't the one that was in the hospital bed.

Jay wanted to close his eyes too. Even if it were only for a second or two.

"I don't want a fight," Hank's voice was quiet but somehow it seemed to fill the room, and Jay's eyes shot wide open in an instant. "I just wanted to see how she was doing."

Jay opened his mouth to reply but nothing seemed to come out. He had been walking on eggshells around his boss for the past week, overwhelmingly angry at him for doing what he had done to Erin. But he knew that all of the drama had to stop. For her sake, if nothing else. He'd just been too proud to be the first one to stand down out of them both. His chest had been puffed since that first night in the ER.

He nodded. "Alright."

Hank hadn't expected such a calm response. He almost looked shocked. He tried to justify himself, the response that he'd practiced in his head when he'd thought about what Jay would say to him. "She's all that I've got left."

There was another seat next to Erin, on the other side of the bed directly across from where Jay had been sleeping. He'd seen the older man eyeing the spot from the very second that he'd woken up. Jay was urging him subconsciously not to sit down, wishing that his boss would just turn around and walk away, but it didn't look like he needed to. It was as though Hank's feet were glued to the ground, and his eyes glued only to Erin.

Jay couldn't help but feel a sharp pang of guilt. He was still mad. He wasn't sure that there was going to be a time when even a little part of him wasn't mad, but he knew just how Voight was feeling. He knew that the older man was struggling with this all just as much as he was. "Just don't wake her up." Jay couldn't tell him to leave. He wasn't going to be like that. It was true - Erin really was all that he had.

"I won't," Hank shook his head, finally moving over and sinking into the empty seat. "How's she doing?"

Jay paused. He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to answer. Honestly? Vaguely? "She's okay, I guess. Things aren't that great with her injuries but you know Erin better than any of us do. She's one of the toughest people I know."

Voight let out a long slow breath, the relief evident. He had expected a lot worse from the younger cop. He'd expected to have to fight his way into the room against hordes of abuse, but it was fine. In all honesty, he didn't care much about what Jay thought of him and about how he'd acted. The only opinion that he cared about was Erin's. Hank was worried that he'd let her down so much that he couldn't redeem himself again. It had been eating away at him for the past week. It had taken that long for him to muster the courage to show his face around here again, and now that he had all that he was faced with was her sleeping self.

He didn't want to be disappointed. He knew that there would be plenty time to make amends, and that Erin needed all of the rest that she could get, but he couldn't help it. At least with Jay on his side a little more he stood half a chance against her when the time came to fix things.

"Yeah, she is."

Jay's eyes flickered away from Voight and onto Erin as a quiet noise from her bed met his ears. Her head was turning from side to side, frustrated even in her sleep that she was restricted in her movement. He knew that if she were at home she'd have kicked the covers off of them both by now. She looked uncomfortable as ever.

"Jay." His name slipped out of her mouth like a whisper before her eyelids fluttered open. Her voice was small. Like a scared child coming into their parents' room after a nightmare.

He frowned, instantly worried. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not feeling so good. Can you grab me some water..." she asked. "Please?"

Hank didn't hesitate, or even look to Jay for some sort of permission. He didn't need to. He was practically Erin's father. It wasn't his fault that his instinctive nature set in. Hank wasn't sure why but the first thing that his brain told him to do was check her temperature. It didn't matter that they were in a hospital. The older man rested the back of his hand against the brunette's forehead, before pulling it away sharply.

Erin didn't even notice that Hank was there. It was as though her eyes were glazed over, a permanent state of dazed and confused settling over her being. The heart monitor by the side of her bed seemed to change rhythm. Getting a little faster with every passing second. It wasn't crazy, but it was noticeable.

"She's burning up."

"What?"

"I said she's burning up." Hank looked as worried as Jay felt. "I'll go get a doctor."

Jay sat back down, pulling the chair closer to his partner's bed. How could he not have noticed that she wasn't feeling well, or that she had a fever. Erin hadn't been asleep for all that long so she must have been feeling crappy before. He took her hand in her own, resting them both against his cheek for a moment.

He thought that she was getting better.

 _ **It has been far, far too long. I've been caught up with starting university and to be honest I completely forgot about my fics. Hopefully will get them back on track soon though, but right now my midterms have just started and I'm slammed. Enjoy anyway!**_


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